Chemistry Blog

From The Archives Of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation

by Alpha-Omega on Jan 12 2008 (785 Views)

From The Archives of Tech Support for Chemical Instrumentation:

This is My Job….I LOVE MY JOB…

Caller: Hi my name is….and I am calling to get help with my IC system.

Tech: OK ma’am what seems to be the problem?

Caller: We can’t get a stable baseline. There are all kinds of spikes in the baseline.

Tech: OK, are they regular or irregular? Do you have drift?

Caller: It is all jagged and we can’t see any peaks.

Tech: Have you tested your water? What is the conductivity of the water?

Caller: OH yes…it is 2 the conductivity is 2.

Tech: What do you mean 2…that would be very high for 18.2 MegaOhm water?

Caller: We adjusted the pH of our water to 2.0 and we did it very carefully.

HHHMMMM that would be some mighty powerful water, Rip the enamel right off your teeth…. Not to mention the fact that this is IC and if you adjusted the pH of your water to 2 it is now EXTREMELY ACIDIC/HIGHLY IONIC and masking every peak in your sample.  OH NO YOU DID NOT….GGGEEEZZZZEEEEE!!!

Caller: Hi my name is ……and I am with ……Company.

Tech: What can I help you with?

Caller: Our computer crashed and we need to reinstall the software.

Tech: Ok do you have the installation CDs? Caller: No that is why I am calling. Can you please FAX me a copy of the software. I lost the CDs.

OK well let me figure out how I am going to fit the CDs into the fax machine…..

NEXT:

Caller: Hi, I am calling to get help with reinstalling my software.

Tech: OK , Which Operating System are you using?

Caller: I don’t know, How do I find that out?

Tech: Which version of Windows do you have?

Caller: There is no Windows. What is Windows? I have Microsoft

Oh this is going to be a long, long call……….

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is… and I need help finding the sequence I just ran. I lost it somehow.

Tech: Ma’am, lost it?

Caller: It just disappeared off my screen. It vanished. One minute it was there and then it was gone. I cannot get it back. I can’t find it.

Bet you $10,000 she minimized the screen……I’M RICH !!!!!    I’M RICH!!!!!     I’M RICH!!!!!

NEXT:

Tech: OK ma’am. I need you to try and follow my instructions…

Caller: OK, what do I have to do?

• Tech: “Ok, to access the files on the disk click the mouse on the picture/icon for the software.”
• Caller: “Nothing happened. I told you, I’ve already tried this.”
• Tech: “Ok, do it again. Is the mouse moving?”
• Caller: “Yep.”
• Tech: “On the screen?”
• Caller: “Yep.”
• Tech: “Now click twice on the picture of the disk.”

The Tech hears two clicks. We always hear everything….we know what you are doing…..all the time…when that mute button is on we know what you are sayig we can hear every word. Hence, the material for this blog.

• Caller: “Nothing.”
• Tech: “Ma’am, double click once more for me.”

The Tech hears the two clicks again.

• Tech: “Ma’am, what is that noise?
• Caller: I am trying to get the mouse to work. Nothing happens when i put it on the disk.
• Tech : Ma’am, are you hitting your screen with your mouse?”

OH OK…well, pretty soon she will just BREAK the MONITOR….NO WORRIES!!!!  I will be setting up a service a call in less than 1 hour.

My all time favorites: Please Help Me with the UNKNOWN in MY UNKNOWN SAMPLE.

NEXT:

Caller: Hi I am calling to get help with my chromatograms.

Tech: Ok and what seems to be the problem?

Caller: We have a sample and we ran it and we have these unknown peaks right around the sulfate peak…can you tell us what they are?

Tech: Ma’am I am unable to determine or tell you what unknown peaks are in your unknown sample.

Caller: Isn’t this tech support?

Tech: Yes ma’am it is.

This woman needs a brain surgeon not technical support.

Caller: Isn’t there anyone there who can help me with this?

Ma’am you are beyond help…and if you think for one minute anyone else here is going to take ownership of this call.  NO ONE ELSE HERE IS GOING TO  TALK TO YOU they can hear what you are asking me for!!!!!!  You asking someone ON THE PHONE…who doesn’t know JACK about what you have…to ID the unknows in your unknown…You magically think we can tell you what the UNKNOWNS in your UNKNOWN are.  Well, let me just pick an anion…just any anion….If you think, for even one second, that I am going to be the chemist on the 6:00 news accused of killing millions….OH HELL NO!!!!!!  You make up your own data….you sign it…and move on up that ladder.

Tech: No ma’am this is outside the scope of support for Technical Support.

OK- deep breaths and counting to 10….She has an UNKNOWN SAMPLE WITH AN UNKNOWN PEAK….she thinks I am a psychic????? 

Then there are the e-mail requests that come fully loaded with up to 10GB of data:

Question: We have 4 closed loops systems that we sample for Cl/NO2/NO3 in the ppm range. Attached is a picture of a chromatogram of our Plant Chilled Water on the XXX-IC Anions IC that always looks funny. The NO2 peak always has this extra hump on it. Is this all NO2 or is it something interfering with NO2? If it is an interference, how do I separate them? I didn’t know how to copy the chromatogram itself, so I just took a picture of it.  I need to know what it is.  Tell me what the peak is off the nitrite.

 When I opened the attachment. Indeed there was a shoulder subsequent to the nitrite peak….the shoulder was 6 times the size of the nitrite peak…that is not an interference…it is a major separate unknown species in an unknown sample…. OK,  I am consulting my crystal ball… it gets alot of use these days.  Just rememeber I know who you are, I can see what you did, and YOU ARE ON MY LIST!!!!!NEXT:

Caller:  I need to order a replacement suppressor for my XXX-IC system. But I cannot remember which one it is?

Tech: OK sir, what type of analyses do you do? 

Caller: I analyze ions. 

Tech:  OK and which kind of ions? 

Caller:  Ionic ions. 

Tech:  OK sir all ions are ionic and there are two types the positive kind and the negative kind.  Which kind do you analyze? 

Caller:  The ionic kind. 

Tech:  OK sir there are ions that are anionic and ions that are cationic.  Which type of ions do you analyze?

Caller:  Ionic ions.

Tech:  Sir, do you analyze the ions that are positive the (+) kind?  Or do you analyze the ions that are negative the (-) kind?

Caller:  Yes, ionic ions.

Tech:  Sir, I will have to call you back after I speak with your sales rep.  He/she can tell me which part number you need.

CLICK….next call…..GGGGEEEEZZZZZEEE.  There should be moral guidelines for Instrumentation sales reps to follow….like there must be an IQ/Common Sense test the customer has to pass before he/she is allowed to purchase a system.  We have an obligation to protect the hindered.

 NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is…..and I just ran my samples and they are coming out bad. I need help to find out what is wrong.

Tech: What do the chromatograms look like?

Caller: Oh you mean my spectrums….Oh well, there are these unknown peaks showing before and after the sulfate peak. I want you to tell me what those peaks are?

No…I MEANT your CHROMATOGRAMS….this is CHROMATOGRAPHY.  OK,  then you have an unknown sample with unknown peaks and you want me to tell you what the extra unknown peaks are…YES????…So, then Ma’am I want you to PLEASE put your hand on the detector.  I am going to close my eyes now, we are going to INVOKE the IC Angels…there are 3 IC Angels; and, we need all 3 for this: there is cationic IC angel, the anionic IC angel, and the new ionic IC angel (this IC Angel takes care of  and overlooks the other 2) ….So, ma’am is your hand on the detector?…Because now I am closing my eyes so I can psychically determine all the unknown components in your unknown sample.  Are you with me?  Because this is a tall order. And God help us all if you are ever hired to do spectroscopy.

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is …. And I am calling because I need technical support for my CATATONIC Suppressor.

Well OK then, my job is done because his suppressor is in a coma. The customer has put it out of its misery. It is alseep and will remain so for a VERY VERY VERY long time.  If only that were true….I can DREAM…WISHES can come true…and if you repeat things over and over they may happen. NOT….

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi..we are having a problem with our IC system; and,  I need some help.

Tech:  OK ma’am, what are the problems?

Caller:  We cannot see any peaks.

Tech: What is the background conductivity?

Caller:  It is very high. We cannot see anything.

Tech:  How old is the suppressor and when did you last do a regen/cleanup?

Caller:  It is a year old…What do you mean regen/cleanup?

Tech:  When you see things such as you are describing to me that would indicate it is time to do a regen/cleanup on the suppressor.

Caller:  But why should we do that?  The suppressor is an SRS.  It is a self-regenerating suppressor.  We should not have to do anything.  That is why we bought this syetm.  So we would never have to do anything.

Tech:  Ma’am.  It is true that your suppressor is self-regenerating.  However, it requires periodic cleanup and regeneration. It is an electrolytic device and needs to be recharged every once in awhile.  You need to follow the metals cleanup and do a regen.

Caller:  Well, this is the very first time I have ever heard this.  I am calling my sales rep because he needs to tell me why I have to clean up my system. When we bought this they told us we did not have to do anything.

And YES you are NOT doing anything, please keep up the good work!!!…And YES, suppressors are self-regenerating they are not IMMORTAL!!!  In this case replacing the interface is the best bet for that system’s survival.

NEXT:

Caller: I am calling to get help with my XXX-IC and this thing has never worked from the day we got it. I t will not do a damn thing no matter what I do.

Tech: Sir, (you can hear really loud sounds like metal being crushed) what is that noise?

Caller: We have one in our production facility and the pressure goes up to 8000 psi. The columns explode right there in front of your eyes and your company knows about it but will not do anything.

OK…8000 psi.  Well, that is amazing since the upper limit for the pump is 5000 psi and it will auto shut down…can’t wait to hear more of this.  Columns exploding in front of their eyes…let me see at 3500 psi the PEEK line will disengage….HHHMMMMM interesting…..SIR, WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OR ARE YOU SIMPLY DELUSIONAL…OR PERHAPS SOME FRAGMENTS FROM THE EXPLODING COLUMNS HAVE LODGED THEMSELVES PERMENANTLY IN YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: (loud crashing noises). Sir are you OK? Sounds like something fell.

Caller: Oh nothing fell I am kicking the instrument…I am going to make it do what I want…

OK then,  and another problem has been solved…That just voided the warranty on a $50,000 piece of equipment; and, the customer has relieved his fruastrations.  I would say everyone is HAPPY all around.. And sir,  CRACK KILLS!!!  My job is done. NEXT CALL…

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is….and I have a XXX IC system and I am calling for applications assistance.

Tech: OK sir, what are you analyzing?

Caller: I am analyzing cashuns and aneons.

Now imagine this phonetically….(hard ca and hard a on the ca-shuns, hard e on the an-e-ons, syllables denoted by dashs) Customer: Ca-shuns and an-.e-ons. OK so this guy has identified not just one, but two new species…he is a shoe-in for the Nobel.

Tech:  Sir, please go to our wbsite and on the home page, in the upper right hand corner, there is a search field.  If you type in the species you are looking for in that field,  it will bring up a number of hits for those sepcific applications.

If you think for one minute I was going to walk him thru cashuns and aneons….OH HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

Caller: I need technical support. I do not have any pressure on my system.

After 45 minutes of step-by-step instructions….

Tech: Sir, now “TURN THE KNOB”, Sir, TURN THE KNOB Clockwise…

After a brief pause you can hear the Technical Support Specialist say “Sir, I am very sorry, but I have now way of describing what a KNOB IS.” These are the quiet times….when you can hear a pin drop in tech support.  Hopefully, the customer has determined what a knob is and how to turn it clockwise. And YES,  ENGLISH WAS HIS PRIMARY LANGUAGE.

NEXT:

Caller: I have a HITACHI Instrument with this software….I need assistance on operating the software…

Tech: Great Sir, It would be far more helpful for you to call HITACHI….

Caller: NO you have to help me this is your software…

Tech: Sir, we do not support HITACHI. This is _ _ _ _ _ _. I can only support things we manufacture.

Caller: Well this software has an extension .pva. When I Google the extension it brings up _ _ _ _ _ _ so it is your software..

OK now DING DING DING…I have no idea of what HITACHI Software does…they are a competitor. This is _ _ _ _ _ _ and I have no training in the support of their products.. AND OH WELL HELLO!!!!  If I take the file extension “.doc” and do a web search EXACTLY how many hits do you think I will get?  Please look at the very small print in the rear of the manual that came with your instrument. Then tell me if the instructions therein direct you to tech support at a competitor’s company.

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is….we just bought an XXX-IC system and the suppressor is alarming what should I do.

Tech: When did it start? Caller: This morning we just walked in and it ran out of eluent. The alarm is going off on the suppressor what should I do?

Tech: Sir, OK you are over voltage…so turn the system off.

Caller: HOW DO I DO THAT?

Tech: Turn the power switch on the system to OFF.

Caller: But how do I do it?  Where is the power switch?

Tech: Sir, there is one on the front lower left and one in the rear left.

Caller: I can’t find it… I can’t find it. …!!!

Tech: Sir, please unplug the power cord.

Caller: OH WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP AND FOR BEING SO patronizing/condescending.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!! I just saved an IC from further abuse…they will have to resuscitate it.  When they are over the edge and you are calm-you become PATRONIZING and CONDESCENDING???  What it really is…they suddenly have had a reality check they know they have made a DA out of themselves and they attack the one who helped them get to the point of self-realization…He should be happy .  Tech support does not charge $250.00/hr as does a psychiatrist.   Now stay with me here…WHO TURNED THE INSRUMENT ON?????  I want to know what happened to the genius that fired it up.  GGGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZEEEEEE 

NEXT:

And almost as good as requests to find an unknown species in an unknown sample are the request to FIT an old calibration curve to a new column:

Caller: Hi my name is…..and I just installed a new column. Can you tell me how I can make my old calibration curve fit this column?

Are you picturing the words in my head……? Because they are so bad they cannot be verbalized…

Tech: Sir, why did you replace your column set?

Caller: Because the other one was giving me crappy chromatography.

Tech: And let me make sure I understand your request….your old column was yielding poor chromatography. So you bought a new guard and analytical (Cost = $2,000)). And you want me to help you fit the calibration curve you generated for your old column set to this new column set.

Caller: Right.

Tech: How many calibrations do you run annually?

Caller: 1

Tech: 1? Only 1 time annually?

Caller: Calibrations take too much time. We just want to use the old one. Can you show me how to do that?

NO NO NO NO NO I can’t….and you are a real DA…. And how did you get this job?….They should have given you an Etch-A-Sketch to run, NOT an IC system.  Please tell me you are not making anything I ingest….I have a list now…and I know who, what, and where to stay away from….and YOU ARE ON IT….Columns are NOT plug-and-play devices. 

NEXT:

Caller: I have an XXX-ABC automated solvent extractor and I have a leak in my system I need help with .

OH I just bet you do…..

Tech: Where is the leak sir?

Caller: There is solvent leaking into the collection vials.

Tech: Sir, can you get thru a rinse cycle?

Caller: What is a rinse cycle?

I KNEW IT… I JUST KNEW IT….Late for lunch again…. I smoke because I never get a chance to eat.

More E-MAIL:

And this is one of the best requests of all time….The Proteomics Dilema!!!!!

I am interested in finding out what would be involved in analyzing some recombinant glycopeptides that I have expressed and purified. Briefly, I have 6 peptides that I expressed in the Pichia yeast system and purified by ultrafiltration and Nickel affinity chromatography. The proteins range in size from 20kDa to 150kDa. They may form disulfide linked dimers and multimers. They are definitely glycosylated as revealed by hexose assay, lectin binding and shift in PAGE mobility after mannosidase and PNGFase digestion. Most sugars should be mannose and GlcNAC oligosaccharides attached to either Ser/Thr or Asn. I would be interested in a few analyses (sort of in order of interest): 1)an accurate MW determination of native and reduced peptides 2)sugar (monosaccharide) identification and quantitation. Should be mostly mannose. At this point I don’t need sequence or linkages. 3)If possible distribution of oligosaccharide chain lengths. 4)determination of a little amino acid sequence, either N- or C-terminal or internal to confirm identity- I would of course be able to supply the sequence I intended to clone and predicted protease sites. (The peptides do react with antibodies to the native protein that I have, so I am reasonably sure that they have the correct sequence, but it would be nice to confirm this) 5)Amino acid composition. It would also be helpful if there is some way to quantitate Cys specifically. These peptides are all about 10% Cys Currently my samples are in aqueous 15mM NaCl solution. Please let me know if any or all of the above analyses are possible, sample amounts and preparation requirements,

OK YES, I see your dilema.  Well let me whip that one out of my magic hat which of course sits right next to my crystal ball…Both of which are, of course, protected by the 3 IC angels.  Well,  I did my own thesis….Good Luck finding someone to do yours…..go talk to Sam Walden’s (owner of Wal-Mart) granddaughter…She paid some girl at Stanford to take all her classes and do all her work…and they were both kicked to the curb…So maybe one of them can help you out now they are both seeking a new positions.

It is good to know your limitations.

 "We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary."

 "Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

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