Chemistry Blog

From The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-2

January 21st, 2008 by Alpha-Omega (499 Views)

Here we are again…more stories for you from the bowels of Technical Support.  I do not mean to scare you (OH YES I DO!!!)….but fair is fair….If I have to live with this I am NOT going down alone…..I want company!!!!!!  Be Afraid Be Very Afraid….

OK Best First:

E-MAIL: 

Dear Technical Support:

I am writing this because I want to know about pressurizing and degassing my eluents for our IC system.  I can see there are 3 recommended gases:  nitrogen, helium, and argon.  I know our service rep has recommended we keep the pressure between 6 psi and 12 psi.

I understand why helium is recommended.  I know that helium is a halogen with a full octet of electrons so it is non-reactive.  But, why is nitrogen recommended instead of argon?  Argon is the same kind of gas as helium; but, it is less reactive then helium because it is closer to the bottom of the periodic table and in the same group (halogens) as helium.

Nitrogen is right next to oxygen and should be more reactive.  I mean even more reactive than oxygen.  I was just wondering if you could address my concerns/question.

I now understand where the expression FEAR THIS comes from….Even if I had a million years I could not begin to fix all that…..SORRY I am a sefish person when it comes to preserving my own sanity. MY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi, I have a technical question regarding my column.

OH goody…I have been waiting for a real technical question all day……

Tech:  OK, ma’am, which column do you use?

Caller: ABC123-QA

Tech:  What question do you have?

 I know I am going to regret asking that…..

Caller:  I use a Tris-Buffer.  I was supposed to use 25 mM and I made a 250 mM buffer.  How will this affect my retention times?

Now this is common.  The caller KNOWS she has made 10 times the concentration of buffer she requires; and she is seeking approval to use it…Are you feeling my POWER…all her peaks are going to come out in her void volume….WHAT RETENTION TIMES????? All her peaks are going to be down in that water dip….Next time someone says Hi My Name is and I am a CHEMIST…..I want written proof….

Tech:  Ma’am, I do not know you will have to run the analysis.

Caller:  Can’t you tell me what will happen?

Oh sure…let me put you on hold a moment while I consult the crystal ball….I am a well known psychic in these here parts…!!!!

Tech:  No ma’am,  I would not be able to answer that question unless I were running the analysis.

BTW:  If you know you made your eluent improperly…I have a novel idea…REMAKE IT CORRECTLY!!!!!

Caller:  Can I speak to someone else. 

Tech:  Yes ma’am. But, they will tell you the same thing.

Caller:  CLICK….

OMG OMG OMG MY LUCKY DAY….now what did I do to make that happen…have to do it a few more times…They really do think I have a tiny lab next to my phone….AMAZING…sure I do!!!!!!

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi, I am calling because I want you to clean my column.

LOL….LOL….LOL…They are coming to take me away HA HA HE HE….

Tech:  I am sorry ma’am, but we do not clean columns.

OMG…no can you envision the line…and then the requests for loaner columns…LMAO…!!!

Caller:  But I need my column cleaned.

And so do it…that is your job and your column..do not make me embarass you…Yes, I am going to put an ice pick through this woman’s head.

Tech:   Ma’am, I am very sorry, but we do not clean columns.  Ma’am, do you have the manual for your column?

I had to tell her twice….OH Please help me understand why you do NOT understand….

Caller: Yes.

 Good a step in the right direction….Now can you read???????????????????????????

Tech:   Ma’am, in appendix A of your column manual there are cleaning instructions.

Caller:  I read that and I do not know what to do.

Imagine that…and I thought you were the independent type….COMMON SENSE COMMON SENSE COMMON SENSE…and how did you get your job?  I BET YOU NEVER HAD TO TAKE A 5 PAGE ORAL EXAM ON AN INTERVIEW….and let me tell you it is because of people like you that I wind up taking tests like that….!!!!

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi…I am calling because I need you to calculate my column capacity…

OH NO HE DID NOT JUST ASK ME THAT…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LA LA LA… I Can’t Hear You …LA LA LA…

Tech:  Sir, I would not be able to calculate your column capacity.  The calculation depends on an assumption that must be made by the analyst.  I can send you a sheet that has formulas explaining the procedure.  But I cannot do that for you.

Caller:  But I do not understand what a milliequivalent/column  is.

I believe that…And They Walk Among Us……HA….OH NO IT IS NOT …  IT IS WE THAT WALK AMONG THEM….I am part of the MINORITY….

Caller:  I am calling because I need help with my amperometric detector.

Hail Mary full of Grace……!!!!! Yes an Atheist praying…and that does me no good either..because they just keep talking anyway….

Tech:  What seems to be the problem?

Caller:  I do not get good peaks.

Details….details…details…PLEASE!!!!!  Do I DARE ask?

Tech:  What is wrong with them?

Caller: Well,  I have these great symmetrical peaks.  But I cannot get the software to integrate them?

Tech: What do you mean?

NO….a bunch of symmetrical peaks…theoretically that should be a good thing….OH let me stop myself right there….this is never a good thing….

Caller: The software will not integrate them.

Tech:  Ma’am can you send me a back up file with your data and include the audit trail.

Caller: What is an audit trail?

OMG…why did I ask?????  One day I will learn.  It is just to much responsibility to do so much thinking for so many all the time….

Tech:  I am sending you instructions that explain how to create a backup file.  Please send that file to my e-mail.

Caller:  OK!!!!

Now 30 minutes later of course 20MB of compressed data.  AND OMG I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES…She was in DEMO MODE…How the Hell can you not know you are in DEMO MODE….AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…Those peaks looked like a slinky…many and very symmetrical..and don’t you think for even one second you are special because you got my e-mail….I can tag anyone for the junk folder….

You know people are like slinkys, good for nothing, but so much fun to push down the stairs….!!!!

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi my name is and I am a grad student at _ _ _ /Organic Chemistry Department-and we have an XXX-ABC automated solvent extractor system and my DCM (dichloromethane) has turned yellow what should I do.?

Tech:  Throw it away.  It is no good. 

Caller: But why is it no good?

And here we go into the 10 minute lecture on free radical halogenation/chlorination….I know you had to take exams to get into that school…because I have friends there…but they live on the smart side of the university!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am do you have the DCM in a clear bottle?

Caller: YES!!! How did you know that?  And how do I prevent this from happening in the future? 

Tech:  You should keep it in an amber solvent bottle.

I am omnicient, omnipotent, and omnipresent…..may as well own up to it, that is what they think anyway!!!!!!!!  They do not put light sensitive chemicals in amber bottles…just because they can….!!!!!!!!!

Caller:  OH I also have this other problem, my end-line filters are green.

Tech:  Ma’am, are they stainless steel or Teflon. 

Caller:  They are stainless steel. 

Tech:  Change them out for Teflon.

24 hrs later scathing letter from faculty advisor (I mean way over the top) at _ _ _expressing deep distain for the fact I gave his grad student a lecture in Analytical Chemistry…”THAT MY SOLUTIONS WERE TOO SIMPLISTIC.”

Simplistic??? LOL…Obviously NOT simplistic enough.  You want SIMPLISTIC- 1) Replace the interface.  2) Pack up the $100, 000.00 system and please return it. 3) Be a little more choosey when you pick a grad student-do not blame me for her inability to comprehend….you picked her!!!!  So do your job and teach her some analytical chemistry and she will not have to be subjected to learning from technical support-since we are obviously doing your job!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And in closing I have 3 words for you:  BITE ME ….TWICE!!!!!

SOLUTION:  Next time you call me for help I GIVE YOU MY WORD…will try to make the MOST OBVIOUS SIMPLE FIX AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE…!!!!   Needless to say we have nicknamed that school Make It True…..ACRONYM….!!!!

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi I have an IC system and I am calling for technical support because I am having problems. 

Tech:  Ok ma’am which system do you have? 

Caller:  I have a XXX system….

Tech: OK and which XXX system do you have…

Caller:  I have a XXX IC System.  

OMG….GGGGGEEEZZZZEEE…I need the MODEL….we make more than one model…GIVE ME THE MODEL#…..

Tech:  OK ma’am, is the system modular or is it all encased in one big module? 

Caller:  How do I find that out?

LOOK AT THE SYSTEM!!!!!!  You are looking at it….right…..?????

Tech:  Ma’am where is the IC system?

Caller:  Oh it is on the other side of the plant..

OH HELL NO!!!….I need a Mental Health Day….now I know why they gave me that FAT RAISE….

Tech:  Ma’am I need for you to call back when you are in front of the system.

Caller:  Oh you can’t help me from here?  I thought this was technical support.

Now where did I put that stun gun!!!!!  There are just some things that cannot be accomplished long distance.

NEXT:

Tech:  Ok sir, which model do you have?       

Caller:  ADXXXX

Tech:  Alright I can walk you thru the calibration procedure.

OK 45 minutes later…not one response from that detector……

Tech:  Sir, you said this started today?….The diminished response began when exactly?

Caller:  This morning.

Tech:  Can you remember exactly what was occurring when the detector ceased to function?

Caller: Well, I guess I should mention that there was an explosion in the lab.

EXPLOSION IN THE LAB!!!!…detector has a holmium filter probably shattered to hell…..now we are getting somewhere…the detector is not unresponsive…IT IS BROKEN and DEAD…and the EXPLOSION would void the warranty and the service agreement…..HOLMIUM FILTER….HELLO Shattered…..

Tech:  What ?  Are you OK?

Caller:  Yes, they took me to the hospital.  Do you think that may have something to do with why the detector is not working?

OK then…. either this is a set-up…NO they could not pull this one off without laughing….this man is a poor damaged SOB….He has obviously fallen and WILL NEVER GET UP…..OMG he knows not what he says…..

Tech:  Yes sir that very well may be.  Sir, exactly what blew up?

Caller:  A 20L solvent Dewar.

JJ and M…20 Liters…a 20L Solvent Dewar….GGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And where are the paramedics???….I do not hear any sirens…and The bomb squad???…OMG….

Tech:  A 20L solvent Dewar!!!!!  Sir did you feel a reverb?

That is what is known as a rhetorical question…..

Caller:  They took me to the hospital and removed all the shards of glass from my face and arms.

 And thank you for the visual……

Tech:  Good sir…I am glad they took you; and, you are OK.

And why exactly did they let you out??????????????

Caller: Do you think that is why the detector is not working?

 YES…I am thinking ..YOU ARE NOT…..

Tech: Sir, exactly where was the detector when the explosion occurred?

Caller:  It was under the shattered window and next to the big hole in the wall.

OH this man is in denial.  They should have left him in the hospital for observation.  He needs a few vacation days…lot and lots of rest….and a CAT scan.

Idiots Of The World Unite: 

NewsFlash 01/22/2008 there was a huge explosion/fire at a well-known educational institutition locally-we have nicknamed this hotbed of learning United Idiot Community….ACRONYM…DING DING DING…what do they teach there…OH My Bad!!!!  I almost forgot, you cannot teach COMMON SENSE!!!!

You see subsequent to the explosion/fire Technical Support received a number of frantic calls inquiring as to whether the charred and fragmented instrumentation would be covered under Warranty/Service Agreement.

FYI:  NO.  NO IT WOULD NOT.  If you set the equipment on fire and/or blow it up…NO THAT IS NOT COVERED UNDER WARRANTY OR SERVICE AGREEMENT….DING DING DING…that is what insurance is for…..please keep this in mind as you approach graduation and make that BIG LEAP into the world of industry…..where they obviously have the identical misconceptions!!!!!

And people ask me …Hey ~M why do you have a full box of business cards on your file cabinet?  WOW!!!! The box is still sealed!!!!! …You should open that put some on your desk…Have they lost their minds…I mean they put my NAME, ADDRESS, and PHONE NUMBER (both extensions) on those cards…Give them out????  What are you thinking……..That box will stay sealed FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!