Chemistry Blog

From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-3

February 2nd, 2008 by Alpha-Omega (340 Views)

I See Dumb People-Courtesey of Arkcon-Chemicalforums.com

BEST FIRST-OH HELL THEY ARE ALL GOOD!!!!! LMAO

Caller: Hi…my name is …and I am a Chemist with….and I need some help with part numbers for my XYZ accelerated solvent machine…

Accelerated solvent machine…OK it is an EXTRACTOR-OK we’ll see….!!!!!

Tech: Which system do you have? And what parts do you need?

Caller: The D3D and I need tubing with 4-mm id and a connector.

Tech: Which tubing sir?

Caller: The tubing for my gas.

Tech: Ok sir that part number is abcdef. Now which connector are we talking about?

Caller: I don’t know what you call it?

Imagine that question 2 is the DA question…he has no idea what he has or where it goes, what it does, can’t describe it…so psychic powers…ENGAGE,,,,LOL

Tech: Sir, can you describe what it looks like and where it is connected to the system?

Caller: It is the metal connector that brings the wind into my solvent bottles.

YES…and why would I expect any more or less…THE CONNECTOR THAT BRINGS THE WIND INTO HIS SOLVENT BOTTLES????!!!!!!! OK and what kind of WIND would that be….because I have Not a single clue what the HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT……And I could just PIMP over this one….and I know the rest of Technical Support was ROTFLTAO…and me well NO….I am stuck on the phone with you… Oh Delusional Chemist with the PhD…who is asking me for something no one on this earth has ever heard of….(there is no metal connector) …..so I guess I need to get your contact information so I can call my friends in R&D to find out exactly which metal connector they engineered to bring the WIND into your solvent bottles…and Oh BTW they have hidden it so well I have never seen it……OH and before you say even one word….NO he was NOT confusing WIND with nitrogen….. He said WIND and he meant WIND…..so now I am relinquishing ownership to a higher level of support……GGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is ….and I am calling from…. And I need application information on the analysis of short RNA (within 20 bases).  I am getting broad peaks using reversed phase using a XYZ cbc PCAT column.

AHHHH…Imagine that-that sends up a red flag…this guy’s method is failing and he is using a competitor’s SS system with _ _ _ _ _ _ columns. He wants me to fix all the  issues in his method by phone…NO NO NO NOT NOT NOT…and he wants me to tell him it is OK to operate under conditions strictly prohibited in that column manual….I am PSYCHIC….WATCH!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Sir, what system are you using?

Caller: It is an one thousand one hundred..umm…A….H….

Tech: Is it an Agilent 1100 series HPLC system?

Caller: YES!!!!! Oh yes it is….!!!!!

Damn….they get so excited….like they think…OH…Technical Support can fix all my problems now…NOT NO WAY NOT ….even if we had 1 million years…..

Tech: Sir, what mobile phase are you using; and,  what concentration?

Caller: Phosphoric acid? XXM.

OMG…What did I tell you….the columns are trashed….SS system + concentrated phosphoric acid + PEEK columns….= Disaster….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Sir, you cannot use XXXM phosphoric acid in the XYZ tgf PCAT column.

Caller: So how do I fix this?

You can’t…you are done for…goose cooked…it is all over…..

Tech: go to http://www._/ _ _ _ _ _ .com and do a search for application notes regarding your analysis.

They really think it is our job to do their literature searches….OH…SURE…..!!!!! WHY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller: Isn’t this technical support? Won’t you just read them to me?

OH SURE….LET ME SPEND THE NEXT 10 Years reading this guy APPLICATION NOTES…I mean has he lost his mind…READ THEM TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poof be gone.!!!!!!!!..And I guess your mama done spoiled you as a child….OMG….!!!!!!  Well HELLO!!!!!!  I am not your mama…..and I have no children nor do I want any….!!!!!   GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TECH: Sir, I am unable to stay on the phone and read the application notes to you. That is research that has to be done by the primary analyst.

Caller: What is your name?

Well, this is how it really is: OH I am being threatened by a MORON….I am just shaking now!!!!! ….Go ahead….write to my supervisor and tell him I would not do your job for you!!!!!!!!!!….In fact, here is his e-mail address and his direct line.  If you could see the look on his face when he gets complaints like that…..Please tell my boss-”and your technical specialist would not read me the literature over the phone!!!!!!”   LMAO….LMAO….LMAO…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

DO IT DO IT….PLEASE DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!…Because he is going to call you a MORON too…and Technical Support will celebrate that by going to out for dinner and laughing our asses off at your complete and utter stupidity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOW HEAR THIS….. WE HAVE YOU ALL ON TAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TAPE THERE IS TAPE…I have not one damn thing to prove…All we have to do is LISTEN TO THE TAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, let me tell you a secret….the more negative points we accumulate from people like you…LOL The fatter our raises are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And those types of letters of complaint…that is what those RECYCLE BINS are for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

NEXT:

Caller: Hi…I am calling to find out how often I should run a calibration.

LMAO…I love these questions. They just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Tech: Sir, I cannot give you an exact time and date. I can suggest you recalibrate according the criteria outlined by your industry.

Caller: So what is that?

I see he is lost and will never be found…LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: That is a determination you will have to make internally.

Caller: When do other people calibrate?

LOL…NO…Never,  if they can arrange it….LMAO!!!

Tech: Sir, when ever you make a change to your system; it is a good idea to recalibrate to make sure the system is functioning properly.

Caller: Change? What do you mean by change?

Change…change now…into a thinking and rational CHEMIST…..!!!

Tech: Changing the columns, the suppressor, the eluent, operating temperature, etc…

Caller: OH that will mean a lot of work.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…Yes it would….Can you meet the challenge??????????

Tech: Yes sir, it requires time and patience.

And what did he expect me to say…OH YEAH…You know that shipkit that came with your system…Well, there is a magic wand in there and if you wave it over the system it calibrates itself….GGGGGGGEEEEZZZZEEEEE…..

NEXT:

Caller: Hi…my name is ….I am calling from….and I need help with my standards. I need help right away. This is a life and/or death situation. Someone at _ _ _ _ _ _ has to help me pick the right standard.

OH this is going to be good….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, what do you mean exactly.

Caller: Well, I have these 2 standards and I need to know which to pick.

LMAO….LOL ….LOL…..I knew this would be good…WTF is she getting at…Oh waiting with bated breath……

Tech: Ma’am, I cannot pick a standard for your analysis.

Caller: But they are coming out differently.

No shit…. Really?????…..That is just the most amazing thing…2 different standards coming out differently…Have you ever heard of such a thing in your whole life!!!! I have to admit I am just shocked and amazed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, are the standards from 2 different vendors?

And now I have to say I am just floored…I mean 2 different standards from 2 different vendors!!!!…ahhhhh and they come out differently!!!….I mean who would have thought!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the trauma she is experiencing!!!! LOL…LOL…LOL

Caller: Yes.

Tech: Ma’am, you will have to make that judgment call.

Caller: Well, I have to get this done and I do not know which to pick. My results will determine if a 10 million dollar fine is levied on a company …I have to testify in court….and my results will determine if this company is shut down and fined or allowed to stay open.

OH WELL, THEN NO PRESSURE THERE…RIGHT…OK she has released proprietary information. She has told me she is a DA; and, cannot determine which standard to use. She has told me the entire fate of this company she is testing for depends on whether Technical Support validates the use of one standard over another by phone…LIKE DING DING DING …lots of RED FLAGS here….HELLO Oh Crazy Person…Are you really degreed? Did you recently experience a major head trauma? OMG Oh My Ears…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DIRECT YOUR ANALYSIS?????????

Tech: Ma’am, the only suggestion I can make is that you consider ordering an NIST standard and using that for your analysis. I can tell you that if you look at the COA, that _ _ _ _ _ _ standards are NIST traceable.

Caller: So you are telling me to use the _ _ _ _ _ _ standard.

Tech: NO , No ma’am, I am NOT telling you which standard to use.

And you Bet your Sweet Ass that I am sending this to Product Management and R&D so they know what you are asking me. NO WAY will this company or will I take liability for your beyond DA and STUPID assumptions and poor analytical procedure.  Can you see the headlines…..Technical  Support Specialst responsible…for God Knows what that happened to Who knows Who…!!!!!!

Caller: But I have to know which to use…

Well, good luck with that…!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, I am sorry but that is all I can suggest. If you want to give me your contact information I will gladly escalate this issue to product management and have them respond to your issue.

Caller: OK, so they can tell me what to do.

OH Yeah…You betchya…….!!!!! This is being escalated to Product Managemnt…in a heartbeat…I am not going to be on that 48 hrs expose right next to you….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: They may be able to assist you further.

NOW…Can you guess what they told her?????….And,  I got the most complementary letter from Product Management/R&D for the good advice I gave her, and my extensive documentation just in case our company was implicated…WOO HOO…wash my hands of that one…….And someday someone can tell me WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

E-Mail

Background: Customer orders our protein concentrate thru a reseller. The reseller calls me and asks on the customer’s behalf what the volume is in the ampoules. I explain that the volume is 0, because it is a solid that must be reconstituted with water.

24 hours later I receive an e-mail from this customer (his credentials take up half the page) asking me the same question and INDICATING HE HAS USED THIS PRODUCT FOR 2 YEARS….really and you do not know it has 120 Pico moles (SOLID) in the ampoules. Then he asks who the vendor is? …

Dear ~M,

I was directed to you by Ms. CM of FS. I am trying to find out what the volume is in the ampoules of PXRDVZM that we use for our proteomics analysis of GDIVL.

I would also like to know who the vendor is.

Thank You

Dear Dr. DA,

The volume in the ampoules is essentially 0.  Each ampoule contains 120 picomoles of PXRDVZM.  And _ _ _ _ _ _ , we are the vendor.

Regards,

OMG…are you joking…this dude is a PhD and works for the highest pharmaceutical regulatory agency in the country and he is asking me this; after, hae has stated…HE HAS USED IT FOR 2 YEARS…..And he cannot comprehend that 120 pmoles does not constitute a volume….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

OMG I can see everything all too clearly now…All of my problems in life began when my parents gave me BABY ASPIRIN…WHO THE VENDOR IS???? We are the vendor….you are writing to the vendor and asking the vendor these questions HELLO REMEMEBR- the company you just wrote to asking about the contents of the ampoules ….OH HELL… GGGGGGEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZEEEEEE

E-Mail: The Kiss Your Ass-Let me Bless you type e-mail…..

~M

Thank you so much for your help and patience tonight, chromatograms look much better now.

Bless You,

TEH-R Lab

Oh Yeah sure!!!!!!….Well turning the pump on will improve your peaks.!!!!…That little change will amaze you!!!! AH HA….That will be enough of that….Far too much invoking going on ….I am fully aware that someone has formed a waxen image of me and has EXTRA LONG PINS…and OH OH…This is just too much…..I swear they just want to be your friend…UNTIL you cannot solve their impossible issue. Then they turn on you….like a pit bull gone mad…One day you are a goddess and then one day when you tell them: “I am sorry sir/ma’am, I cannot ID the unknown peaks in your unknown samples…..HA HA HA that is their MO….watch what they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

Caller: HI…My name is and I am calling from the….University.

Oh Hell!!!!! Third one today….Lucky Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: What do you need help with?

Caller: My electrochemical detector.

OMG…NO NOT an ED…..!!!!!

Words of death…this is the one thing people have so much trouble with…they do not know what it is or how to use it. Most of the time they have no clue what they are analyzing….This is going to be bad….especially a call from a university….where they are notorious for replacing bad parts in drawers….parts that have long been dysfunctional and cannot be repaired…I still have NO CLUE WHY THEY KEEP THEM…

Tech: Ma’am, what is wrong with the detector?

Caller: I have to do a carbohydrate analysis and I am getting large drift and some humps in the baseline.

OK….I know what the fix is….this is going to take a good hour…she will NOT listen to me….she will miss all the important things…THIS IS SO EASY A CHILD CAN DO IT…a grad student with an undergrad degree…NOT…..

Tech: Ma’am, the eluent you use, that NaOH has to be made fresh every 72 hours. You do not want to keep it longer than that.   If you do you will probably wind up poisoning the working electrode.  The working electrode has to be polished. Make sure there is no oxidation at the surface. The reference electrode, must be recalibrated each time new eluent is prepared. Have you done all that?

Caller: I just turned the system on…..I did not know I had to do anything…

OH…NO SHE CANNOT BE THAT STUPID (let me stop myself right there-anything is possible)…….OH yeah, I forgot, columns are those new magical plug and play devices and suppressors are immortal, and eluent magically makes itself….HELLO STUPID PEOPLE-even RFIC requires the analyst fill the water….Have I hit em all!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, when was the last time the system was used prior to you turning it on today?

Caller: OH, my professor told me it was used about a year ago….

OH ONLY A YEAR AGO…and she has not touched a thing….and I am sure the columns were left in line….there goes the resin….the reference electrode -just bury it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, did your advisor give you a manual and an application?

Caller: Yes, but he said to call you if I needed help???

Did he now????….And he expects us to teach you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, hey there professor of that famous university ….if you want this woman to detect ppb levels of carbs….have her change that 1 year old eluent….and give her a working reference electrode…..

Tech: Ma’am, have you read the literature he gave you?

Caller: NO….I called you first

Well, of course you did…ass backwards all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…most logical approach…and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, you have to read the directions in the manuals for setting up that system.

Caller: I did try to calibrate the reference electrode…..Can’t you just tell me !!!!

OK, we have gone down that road and it is NOT WORKING…..NO…NO I can’t just tell you…because you did not read and you have no clue of what amprometric detection is……!!!!!! And your professor does not give a damn if you ever learn it either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, you will not be able to do that until you make fresh eluent.

Caller: OK, I will do that and call you back if I need more help.

LATER THAT SAME DAY……………………….

Caller: I still need help with the reference electrode. I cannot get it to calibrate.

Tech: Ma’am, the reference electrode is a consumable and should be replaced every 6 months to a year.

Caller: My professor handed me a new one this morning.

Tech: Ma’am, was it sealed in a box?

Caller: No, he just handed it to me.

OMG…5 years old if a day….and been gathering dust in some drawer….somewhere waiting for some poor grad student to try and resuscitate it….!!!!!

Caller: I have a question about that reference electrode?

OH well…go right on and ask……!!!! I am pretty reasonable…most of the time….

Caller: The reference electrode is called Ag/AgCl….

Tech: Yes, Right….

What the Hell is she getting at…OH Something Wicked This Way Comes……

Caller: So if only one half of it is working. I can still use it right? I mean I can just make it calibrate on one side right?

LOL…If only half of it is working???? OH THAT IS JUST SO WRONG….NO NO NO NO NO…..OMG…WTF was that question….OH NO NO NO NO NO…NO YOU CAN’T and WTF you mean only one half working…What the Hell does that mean???????? I mean an Ag/AgCl electrode is not analogous to Siamese twins….You cannot separate the two sides of the electrode and expect it to have a fulfilling life!!!!….GGGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEEEEE

Tech: No ma’am, the entire electrode must be working in order for you to get good results. So if only half of it works…please ask you advisor to order/purchase a new one.

And well, OK I want to see that… What half has a blinking light…..What, would be the indication that is so?????????????? OH MY BAD!!!!!!

Suggestions from Technical Support:

The system passed IQ/OQ/PQ….it only began to falter after YOU TOUCHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has your company considered implementing an IQ/OQ/PQ procedure to determine if the CHEMIST is capable of operating the very expensive system that was just purchased.