Chemistry Blog

From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-4

February 17th, 2008 by Alpha-Omega (432 Views)

 

Scenario:   

You are a chemist working in a lab running state-of-the-art chemical instrumentation.  You analyze materials that are incorporated into products that can mobilize or destroy the population of the earth as we know it. 

Questions:   

Since you are a CHEMIST/ANALYST running the above mentioned systems what would be your first responsibility to preserving humanity as we know it? 

Things to Ponder: 

Before you call Technical Support remind yourself of the following: What service does Technical Support provide? What are your responsibilities with regard to the work you do? 

The Facts: 

Technical Support is responsible for providing you with help/assistance for TECHNICAL PROBLEMS you encounter with your instrument. Application assistance is not the same thing as method development. 

Technical support cannot solve method development questions per a phone call. 

Do not try and flatter the Technical Support Specialist.  We know we are smart.  We know your limitations.  Most of the time the issue is FIXING THE CALLER…NOT FIXING THE INSTRUMENT!!!! 

Technical Support means Technical Support.  Our function is NOT to TEACH you chemistry.  It is ASSUMED you know chemistry. You should have a grasp of/ handle on MOLARITY,  NORMALITY, COLUMN CAPACITY, and VOID VOLUME.  So quit asking us to do your calculations.  It is NOT our job and we will not do it. 

We CANNOT tell you WHEN to calibrate your system.  That is something you determine.  If you have the urge/impulse you might write an SOP so everyone else in your company does not call 50 times a day asking the same question. 

We cannot tell you what your MDLs are.  That is WHY YOU THE CHEMIST run an MDL study.  We cannot tell you what your LODs are, that is fior you to determine.

QUIT BLAMING EVERYTHING ON THE SOFTWARE.  Software does what you tell it to do.  If it had a brain of it’s own it would reach out from that computer and strangle you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Contrary to popular opinion, TECHNICAL SUPPORT DID NOT WRITE THE SOFTWARE!!!!  SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS WROTE THE SOFTWARE….and FYI…Part of our job is to SHIELD them FROM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter how much data, how many structural formulae, or how much finished data you send us.  We CANNOT tell you WHICH column to use.  DO YOUR OWN LTERATURE SEARCHES.  TECHNICAL SUPPORT is NOT a babysitting service.  We cannot read you the literature and manuals over the phone.  ACT like you are a CHEMIST and make your OWN decisions about your OWN analyses. Step up to the plate and take OWNERSHIP of YOUR OWN WORK.

If you have a sudden urge/impulse to send us your broken equipment, FIGHT IT.  We are not an instrument repair service. 

Technical support CANNOT troubleshoot METHOD DEVELOPMENT, CHOOSE YOUR COLUMN, CHOOSE YOUR INJECTION LOOP SIZE, TELL YOU WHICH STANDARDS TO USE, TELL YOU THE UNKNOWN ANALYTES IN YOUR UNKNOWN SAMPLES, EXPLAIN WHY YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE GAS FLOW ON A COMPETITORS SYSTEM. Those are things we CANNOT DO. 

We can tell you how to fix your pump, fix your detector, change filters, cut your line, minimize dead volume, change your lamps, replace your degassing assembly, clean your flow cell, plug your components in,  etc…..THAT IS WHAT TECHNICAL SUPPORT DOES….. from the problems you describe…if they are TECHNICAL…WE CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO FIX AND HOW TO EFFECT THAT FIX.

DO NOT CALL AND ASK US TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR SYSTEM UNLESS YOU ARE IN FRONT OF IT.  That is a RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you hate calling us so much DON’T.  If you do call us…EXPECT TO BE IN THE QUE.  Do you think you are the ONLY ONE CALLING ? 

If you would like us to diasppaear…quit making us laugh…laughter makes us live longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And PONDER THIS….if we did fall off the face of the earth…HA HA HA…you would be left with fixing that system YOU BROKE…all by yourself….AND YOU WOULD HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES TO BLAME FOR NOT HAVING THE KNOW-HOW TO EFFECT THE FIX.

Think about what you are asking/doing before you stick that size 10 shoe in  your size 5 mouth. 

Ask yourself :Do you like making an ass out of yourself? 

You are aware we know more than you do; which, is why you call us.  So do not go bipolar on us and, do not curse at us.  When we put you on HOLD…we can hear you-Do not be a DA.  When you do not like our answer, do not respond with “Well, isn’t this Technical Support?”  We sure are and we are waiting for you to ask a TECHNICAL QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Technical Support cannot perform MIRACLES over the phone.  There are problems of such severity they require on-site service. 

Think about how many people are laughing at what you said long after you have called Technical Support asking that really DA question. Next time make up a name so you are not soon INFAMOUS in the industry.Remember FAMOUS and INFAMOUS are NOT synonyms. 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi!!! My name is ….and I am calling from….we have an auto sampler we moved from our old ….system and we hooked it up to our ….system and it will not work. 

Tech:  Can you tell me what you mean by  “NOT WORK.” Caller:  Well, not really….I feel kind of silly because I do not know what to ask….. 

OK  well yes ma’am you sure do sound silly…I see you are getting in touch with your feelings!!!!!!….And BTW-without a description I cannot troubleshoot….so DEADLOCKED…..If you do not know what to ask then I have no questions to answer….. 

Tech:  Ma’am, the auto sampler you use has relay or TTL connections…so which do you use? Caller:  I don’t know…I tried to use the setting in the software.. 

OMG, OMG, OMG…what settings in the software…there are NONE…OMG she changed the system configuration files…..LA LA LA LA ….MY MY WHY WHY?????   I mean you just moved the auto sampler from one system to another…..MANUAL READ THE MANUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am the model auto sampler you have is not controlled by the software.  It simply receives an electronic signal from the pump or detector.  That tells the auto sampler to load and inject.  There are 2 two prong connectors off the 10 pin relay connector….do you use those? 

Caller:  Well, we tried but there is no place to plug them in…..I was trying to make changes to the system configuration…… 

OMG….and she can see clearly this device is not loaded in there…it is not controlled by the software…I AM NOT REBULDING HER ENTIRE SYSTEM CONFIGURATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  What changes ma’am? 

Caller:  Well, the relay controls…on the pump. 

Tech:  Ma’am check all the relays for the pump and save and close the system configuration please. 

Caller:  OK that is done. 

Tech:  The new system…what model is it? 

Caller:  XXX-ABCD 

Tech:  Ok, ma’am, on page D-33 of the manual there are step-by step instructions for relay control of the system.  Are those the instructions you have been using? 

Caller:  OH, we skipped that page and went to the next page…. 

BIG AS DAY WITH PICTURES!!!!!!-She skipped that page-and why would that be????? ….DID she not just tell me she had no place to plug in the two 2-prong connectors??????…SO WHY THE HELL IS SHE FOLLOWING the TTL configuration instructions…THIS IS WAY PAST SILLY and way on down the STUPID ROAD. 

Tech:  Ma’am, please follow the instructions on the page you skipped.  You use relays for the control of you auto sampler. 

Caller: OK, but if it does not work I am calling you back. 

OH THREATS from a MORON CHEMIST!!!!  What shall I do????….I am shaking now….WHAT  CAN SHE DO TO ME…KILL ME WITH STUPID??????????  HA HA…I have had my vaccination-I am immune!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

NEXT 

Caller:  Hi my name is…and we have an XX-AB auto sampler we are having problems with it. 

Tech:  Sir, what seems to be the problem? 

Caller:  I think it may be the main board and there is no output on the screen. 

Tech:  Ok sir, that will require on-site service.  I can see the XX-XX is under warranty so I will set up a service call. 

OK reasonable man…he knows I can’t test the board thru the phone…HHHHMMMM this was too easy….and he was so polite and wrote everything down…why is something not right…HHHHHMMMMMMM

2 days later a package arrives FOR ME. The mail room is on the other side of our complex.  I get an e-mail from the receptionist “You Have Mail.”   OK this is strange…never give out my business cards..   No one has this address…I HAVE MAIL…. Everyone on site knows I have this package. 

I know something has to be way wrong – so many people are telling me about it.  Everyone who sees me tells me ~M you have mail.  OK OK I GET IT I have mail….  WTF….. So lunch rolls around and I go over to the mail center….I am looking.  Oh there the smallest one – literature, no doubt…… 

“OH NO NOT THAT ONE…This one is for you”…the head of In-House Service tells me “THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.”  OK this is a 100lb XX-XX that haws been sent in….to ME for repair….LOL LOL LOL…OK LOL LOL everyone thought I was opening a new repair service.  OK now I have a $25,000.00 piece of equipment in MY POSSESSION…Have to get it back to the DA that sent it to ME in TECHNICAL SUPPORT. 

Yes, true be that…I just set up my own side business…Auto Sampler Repair….5 minutes this went out coast to coast…I mean everyone knew some DA sent me an auto sampler…I get calls LOL LOL LOL …I get e-mail…LOL LOL LOL LMAO….ROTFLMAO… OK enough already…what tiny little idiot idea entered this man’s head…and where exactly did he get the IMPULSE (there is medication for that) to send me an auto sampler. I run this by the service rep and she tells me …”Oh sometimes he gets confused…LMAO…She was laughing so hard she could not breathe….  He is a sweet man; but, he gets confused.”  YEAH YOU BETCHYA…..!!!!  I now have so much confidence in the confusion of people running this instrumentation…Well, you do not have to tell me twice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:   

Caller:  Hi , my name is….and I am the Senior Lab Chemist for….I need some help with my absorbance detector. 

Tech:  Ok Ma’am, which model do you have. 

Caller:  I don’t know .  How do I find that out? 

OMG…READ READ READ READ…..Here we go again…Has no clue what she has…has a problem she cannot ID…OH…Someone this is just not fair…LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  

Tech:  Ma’am, do you have the manual? 

Caller:  No.  Is there a manual? 

HELL YES…There is always a manual….OK I am the blonde here….What is your EXCUSE OH GREAT AND MIGHTY CHEMIST…. I am just trying to picture someone walking up to this huge system….and what you magically know how to operate it….YES THERE ARE MANUALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT am I the only one who when I buy a car makes sure there is a manual in the glove-box.

Tech:  Ma’am what is wrong with the detector. 

Caller:  It won’t turn on. 

Tech:  Ma’am do you see a light on the front panel? 

Caller:  No…Front panel? 

I am so screwed……Exactly what did I do in that past life that was so BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The panel on the front of your detector module….OMG…is she kidding????????????? 

Tech:  Ma’am, can you please check the power cord. 

Caller:  Power cord?  What power cord?… 

YES MA’AM…you know the thing you plug into the wall.  Of course let me not have great expectations she actually has a UPS…..no one ever does….I hear over and over…”Well, you did not tell us we needed that….”  COMMON SENSE…..what is you big screen TV plugged into?  What is your stereo plugged into? How about that home computer…what is it plugged into?  THE WALL?  “OH NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT…” Then God Damn It…whay do you have a 100K+ piece of instrumentation plugged into the WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? DA DA DA DA DA DA……………….. GGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEE

Tech:  Ma’am please walk to the rear of the instrument and tell me if you see a cable with a plug on the end. 

Caller:  Wait, can you hold on? 

Tech:  Sure can…. 

Yes oh you bet…If I had a choice I would throw you out of a plane to knock some sense into your head….. 

Caller:  OH!!! OH !!!!OK I see a cord like for a toaster…

 LIKE FOR A TOASTER!!!!…..OMG…. Sure if that works for her…Oh Great Chemist-her analogy TOASTER -WHY THE HELL NOT….YEAH YOU WERE TOASTED LONG AGO.  AAAHHH  see there is the problem right there….chemical instrumentation is NOT like a TOASTER…you cannot just turn it upside down, shake it, and expect it to work!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am plug that cord into one of your wall outlets. 

Caller:  OH…the light is on now…. 

HE HE HE YA THINK??????  Not for long!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ODDS ARE AGAINST IT.  There are some things….you can bet your life on the probability!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT: 

Caller:  I just replaced my loop on the injection valve.  I replaced a 10 uL with a 5 uL and I need to know what I have to change my injection volume to? 

Tech:  What volume are you injecting? 

Caller:  2 uL 

Tech:  If you are doing a partial loop injection, please replace the 2 uL with the 10uL loop. 

Caller:  Why should I do that?  I only need 2 uL. 

Tech:  When you perform a partial loop injection you have to inject 3 times volume of the sample injection; so, the total volume to 6 uL. 

Caller:  How do you know that? 

WELL, I am a GDFing genius and you are not.  In fact, you do not even know your 3 times tables…. I read the manual.  Obviously you have NOT.  Hell, I can multiply and you can’t. 

Tech:  Sir, you have to use 3 times your injection volume. So you need to reinstall the 10uL loop adjust the total volume to 6 uL. 

Caller:  How do I know that is the procedure? 

WELL, obviously your manual is still in the shrink wrap. And you do not and you do not know your 3 times tables either.  So , no matter how many times you read the 4 sentences you will not get it anyway!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Sir, 3 x 2 = 6 Caller:  What do you mean? 

LMAO..mute button…..HA HA HA HA ….OK well there is a big crowd around my desk now….This is the high point of everyone’s day listening to MY BFS Callers. 

Tech:  You will not be able to use a 5 uL loop to do a 2 uL injection so 3 x 2 = 6.  You have to use 3 times the injection volume.  Change the injection loop back to the 10uL loop and set the total injection volume for 6 uL in the front panel of the auto sampler. 

Caller:  I do not understand? 

I got that…I do know a guy here has a bat in his trunk….Perhaps that would be a good enlightening device!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe I can reach thru the phone line and connect that injection loop to your ears….now there is a solution!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, you have to use 3 times the injection volume.  3 x 2 =6 

Caller:  What? Tech:  Sir, 3 x 2 = 6 

Caller:  I still do not understand what you mean…..can you explain 2 x 3? 

At this moment in time all the phone lines went down… MY LUCKY DAY!!!!!  Those are the moments tech support lives for.  HA HA HA HA  SWEET…..!!!!!!!!  WOO HOO for VOIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 NEXT Hi my name is……………. and I am calling because I need to know why my background conductivity is so low. 

Holy Mary Mother of GOD…WTF does she mean??????????  Help me out here…we have an IC system with conductivity detection and you are asking me WHY THE BACKGROUND IS SO LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!AND THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM BECAUSE????? 

Caller:  I need to know what would make that happen.  It has never been this low. 

HA HA HA well, maybe you took a day off and someone did something right.  DO NOT QUESTION A GOOD THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHH  the IC Fairy paid you a visit.  Or was it the IC Angels…we have so many magical creatures that just invade your system…not sure which might have been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, I do not know why that would happen.  I am glad your background is low.  Your system is functioning properly. 

Caller:  OK.  I guess I will call back if anything else changes. 

OH GREAT!!!!  Can’t wait….. 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi… I am the R&D Chemist for…………and I am analyzing for sub ppb levels of bromate and bromide.   Can you tell me what loop size I need to use? 

NO NO NO NO NO I CAN’T.  That is part of your method development OH GREAT AND MIGHTY R&D CHEMIST.  But you better pick a big one start with 1000 uL and work your way down.  OMG, OMG….OH she is so on my list….. 

Tech:  Ma’am, I am sorry but I have no way of resolving that issue over the phone.  You will have to try various sizes while developing your method. 

Caller:  Isn’t this Technical Support? 

Tech:  Yes, ma’am it is.  But your question falls under the category of method development .  It is outside the scope of Technical Support. 

Caller:  Well, can you put me in touch with someone who knows? 

OH YOU BET….I will escalate this right to her sales rep….THAT WILL TEACH THEM BOTH A LESSON!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  I am sure I can find someone.  Can I have your contact information? 

NEXT:  

Caller:  Hi…I am calling to ask a question about the PP Strong Cation Exchange column.

OMG I know this guy…he is from L_U.  He is so stupid…that the service rep went and picked up his HPLC system and brought it back to _ _ _ _ _ _ .  I mean 32 calls a day and minimum of 8 e-mails/daily.  Guess they left him a column!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had to log all his communications just to prove to his faculty advisor he was stalking Technical Support.  LOL he called 30times, 50times, and once 67 times…..He told his advisor he called Tech Support “every once in a while.” LOL yeah, like every 5 minutes…OH this guy is DUMBER than DUMB…OVER THE EDGE  DUMB…I mean asks for access to do auto cleaning of the flow cell…DING DING DING…if you did not purchase the software you cannot do it…OH but he still insisted on that…even though we kept telling him he had to do it manually. 15 CALLS JUST FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OK this has got to be good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, I have only had him twice before….somehow I have managed to escape this one…Well they say PAYBACK IS A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Tech:  Sir, what is the question?Caller:  I want to know the pore size of the resin on the column.Tech:  Sir, that column is non-porous.Caller: Yes, I need the size.Tech:  Sir, the column is non-porous.  The literature explains the size of the pellicular resin.  But the resin is non-porous.Caller:  I am in the column manual and I cannot find the pore size. This is a simple question. Don’t you know the answer?.LOL LOL LOL HE HE HE HE HE HE HE…and I have told you the answer..DA…..THIS IS THE DUMBEST MAN EVER. PAYBACK IS INDEED A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, can you go to www._________.com

Caller:   Yes.

Tech:  If you type in PP strong cation exchange in the search field and press enter you will come to a number of hits.

Caller:  OK….I do not see anything…

IMAGINE THAT…which part of NON-POROUS…are you NOT getting. 

Tech:  I am sending you the link.

Caller:  OK…I have it …

Tech:  That is the data sheet for the PP Strong Cation Exchange Column. It is NON-POROUS.

LA LA LA TRA LA LA LA.……………..

Caller:  I need the pore size of the resin.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH….Death by….. SHOOT THIS MAN IN THE HEAD…NO FORGET THAT….LET ME PLUG THE HOLES HE HAS…OH THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST DUDE EVER.  I AM SO GLAD THEY TOOK THE GDFing SYSTEM BACK…..TOO BAD THEY FORGOT THIS COLUMN IN THE RUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I consider myself so lucky to be able to curse a blue streak in Spanish.  I can be bilingual when required.

Tech:  Sir, read sentence 2 in paragraph 1.

Caller:  OH…it says NON-POROUS….OH you taught me something….THANK YOU!!!

OMG, WTF was that!!!!!!!!!!!!!……Next time, there will be no next time….I am having an RMA issued for that column. We just need a minimum dumbness test or you cannot purchase anything .  If there is a NEXT TIME… I say:  Sir, do you have a pen…Sir, write this down N….O…..N   P…..O….R….O…..U….S…AHHHH Word Up:  His advisor reports this guy is way better than the last student she had………HHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM… 

THIS WAS THE BEST E-MAIL of the MONTH:

 ~M,

Before in the past you assisted me in providing electronic copies of manual and wondered if you have the same for reagent and standard preparation for the aforementioned analytes.  Much appreciated.
 
I need_ _ _ _ _ _  manuals for preparing solutions for anions, cations, transition metals, and weak acids.

Ms. X
QA/QA LEADER

OK QA/QC LEADER…is she joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the Hell is that?  Manuals for what EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ms. X,

I do not see what you are analyzing.  You have not listed any specific analytes.  Each column you use requires application specific solutions of analytes and reagents to be prepared.  Your analyte solution will depend on the column capacity per the specific manual associated with that column set.  There is no generic manual _ _ _ _ _ _ publishes regarding the preparation of solutions. Each solution you require for an analysis would be application specific.  To find the appropriate solution for your application you will have to search the application notes/column manuals for the solutions appropriate to your analyses. The outlines provided in the literature assume the analyst can calculate the required concentrations.Your application/method/sop will outline the reagents and the prep you use for your analysis.  If you are using a _ _ _ _ _ _ application note…(www.      .com – you can search for notes)…or you can find the operating conditions including required reagent concentrations in the Example Applications Sections of your various column manuals.The column manuals will provide solution prep outlines.  You can obtain those also at www.      .com…go to the search field and type in the column model (e.g., FF22, DD11, etc…) and you can download the appropriate pdfs to your computer.

~M
Technical Support Specialist

~M,

I understand what you mean.  I will gather the column information and request later.

Ms. X
QA/QC LEADER

OK so she blew off everything I said and expects me to do her literature search!!!!!!!!!OH WELL OH HELL NO…sorry I have a LIFE of MY own…I don not leave here with plans to reaserch your project…………….So hey there Ms. QA/QC Leader…get up off your ass and do your own literature search!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ms. X,

You can take the column model#s…go to www.      .com; and, for example, if you are using an XX11….type that into the search field in the upper right hand corner…and that will bring your column manual(s) up…Also, you can do a search for application notes…type in transition metals….and you can review the operating conditions in the Technical Notes (TN) and Application Notes (AN) and Application Updates (AU).Those notes and updates will show you various operating criteria…including eluent concentrations.  Each and every _ _ _ _ _ _ column manual gives you instructions on how to prepare stock eluent.I have also arranged to have a _ _ _ _ _ _ reference library CD sent to you so you can proceed with your literature search.

~M

Technical Support Specialist

OK…Now do not even go there….Do NOT TELL ME THIS TOOK 3 Separate Communications…NO WAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when I grow up I want be a QA/QC LEADER so I can get other people to do my job….Then I can put it in writing ..THAT I DO NOT KNOW A DAMN THING…..!!!!!!! 

NOW PLEASE go back to the opening paragraphs of this post….AND READ THEM 10 TIMES.  REMEMBER…YOU TOO COULD WIND UP IN THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!