Chemistry Blog

From The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-5

Customer Types 

RING,RING,RING the telephone sounds, and the hair on the back of your neck begins to rise. You know as soon as you pick up that phone you will be talking with someone who has no clue about what they are doing .  They will expect you to be their personal assistant. When you have the title Technical Support Specialist you have to follow by some very strict rules. We have the moral obligation to deliver the best technical support that is in our ability to give….which means tell them whatever it takes to get them off the phone so you can continue with your game of POKEMON. 

 SO MANY LEVELS OF FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is all the same customer. 1) Bad connection or a habit of mashing face against the receiver, causing variable stretches of muffled conversation. 2)Non-native English speaker with heavy foreign accent. 3)  Native English speaker who cannot speak English; and, uses extremely technical terms such as the thingy with the spikey, pointy end….  4)High enough on totem pole to feel that he knows things. 5) Completely clueless about chemical instrumentation. He didn’t know how to “click and drag”. It took ten minutes to explain that to him, in small words, many different ways. 6) Calls the queue and specifically asks for me even though I was hoping to pawn him off elsewhere. 7) Does not realize that electronic items need power cords plugged in. I guess they think the cords are just optional decoration. 8)  I’m too busy!!! This is the caller that has a problem and no time to let you fix it. Usually they just want to report the issue and then hang up. Eventually the problem will get bad enough they’ll either have to fix it…or their system will become FUBAR and have to be replaced.   

Last call of the week before the trip to Pittcon: 

Caller:  Hi my name is and I am the LEAD CHEMIST in the QC Lab for….

 OH…yes…let me be sure to write all those credentials down!!!!!  I have to get ready for EXTRA….HINDERED……. 

Tech:  How can I help you?

Caller:  Well, we were sent some instructions for removing air from the cell and they say to inject IPA…through the cell inlet to waste.

 OH HELL…that is my document…I sent that….I created it-I even avoided the use of multi-syllabic words…..never talked to this one before……HHHHHMMMMMM

Tech:  Yes ma’am.  You need to put a lure lock fitting on the cell inlet line and make sure the cell outlet is plumbed to waste and inject approximately 3 mL of IPA through the cell to waste. Then follow that up with a 3 mL injection of DG/DI water.

Caller:  What is IPA?

 IS she joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….Lead Chemist…QC LAB….PhD, MS,  BITE ME….!!!!  On second thought I do not want to catch what you have!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Isopropyl alcohol.  IPA is isopropyl alcohol.

Caller:  And is it purple…..?

 OK PURPLE….LMAO…LOL LOL….I was just asked by a QC Chemist….QC Lead Chemist…if IPA is PURPLE!!!!!!!…Well, sure ma’am, yes that is for the IC system Barney uses.  It is a special LOT-the PURPLE IPA LOT#PPP used by Barney…And I would feel so much more at ease if I knew Barney was operating that system!!!!!!!!!!!I have an FTS-IC sitting next to me…and as she hears me say…. Purple…she sees the look on my face and bursts into the most uncontrollable laughter….her chair in 100% recline mode….

Tech:  PURPLE?  Ma’am, IPA is a colorless, clear, translucent liquid.

 OK FTS-IC is now rolling on the floor LHFAO…saying “hang up the phone…hurry up and hang up the phone…LOL LOL LOL LOL…” And so we now have a new solvent known as IsoPURPLE Alcohol.  That sure has made it around the company!!!!!! 

Next:

Caller:  Hi my name is… and I need to find out about parts for my XYZ……

Tech:  Ok, sir, what do you need to know?

Caller:  I need to get some tubing.

Tech: For which line?

Caller:  Well it is 4-mm id.

 I realize this is too much to hope for.  But, I have about 8 different types of 4-mm id tubing….want to limit the list for me.  OF course he doesn’t.  This call is designed to give you your daily afternoon headache….. 

Tech:  And what is it connected to?

Caller:  The gas.

Tech:  Is it air?  Nitrogen?  Both?

Caller:  It is air but I want it for nitrogen too.

Tech:  Sir, is the tubing blue?

Caller:  YES!!!!!

Tech:  Ok PN abcxyz

Caller:  I have another question?

 Imagine that…..OK lets see …Oh goody another question…. 

Caller:  I need a connector for the  XYZ.

Tech:  Ok, sir a connector for what?

Caller: For inside my system.

 OH NFS…inside the system….I thought it was a wall decoration….OK I’ll bite.. 

Tech:  Where exactly does this connector go…inside the XYZ?

Caller:  It is metal and goes to the solvent bottle.

 HS…WTH is he talking about…………..There are no metal connectors that go to the solvent bottles….WTF is he talking about!!!!! 

Tech:  Can you describe it to me.

Caller:  It is metal…a metal fitting and it is on the solvent bottles. It brings the wind into my system.

 OH HELL NO…WTF …brings the WIND into his system…..So which kind of wind….is it a Northern…or is more like El NINO????? OK WTF is he talking about.  I have seen 1000 XYZs and not  one has a metal fitting on the solvent bottles….OK this poor man so neds help in a major way…!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I need to know what the connector joins…..???

Caller:  It joins the wind to the solvent bottle.

OMFG….I am standing in front of the system…I can see every connector…I clearly do not see one that brings the WIND into his system….

Tech:  Sir, please give me your contact information.  I will have to contact product management regarding your request.  As soon as I have an answer I will call you back.

Caller:  OK!!!!

 Less than 5 min later CO has him on the phone…head in his hands….cursing at me….LMAO…well, PM sure did get a kick out of that one!!!!  

Next: 

Caller:  I have a big peak and a small peak 

Ma’am now all you need is a medium sized peak  We got the Papa peak, and the Baby peak…now all we need is the Mama peak….OH NO this cannot not be for real…. 

Caller:  I have a big peak and a smaller peak and it keeps picking the big one and I do not know why?? 

Caller:  You have to help me?  I have no idea what is going on? 

OK got that 3 sentences ago….. and you want me to DO WHAT EXACTLY?  

Tech:  Ma’am, what do you need help with? 

Like tell me something anything….what you are analyzing, what system do you use, what columns do you have, I don’t know I don’t know, I don’t know IS NOT A PROACTIVE RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!!! 

Caller:  I need you to tell me why it just keeps picking that big peak.

OMG….help me out here… 

Tech:  Can you provide me with a few more details? 

Caller:  The software just keeps picking the BIG PEAK.

GGEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  where is that bottle of FUCKITOL  Oh on the HUMOR FORUM….let me go get me some….NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am send me your data…in a backup file. 

OH OK… She will never figure it out… 

Caller:  I have another question….. 

OH OK Ask me that too…I am sure I can …NO I CANNOT…. Waiting with bated breath!!!!!!

Caller:  My engineers have asked me if I can analyze mono….ethyl amine….on this column? 

Tech:  And what column do you have? 

Caller:  I don’t remember…can’t you look it up? 

YOU MUST BE KIDDING!!!!!….What you think I have column files for every caller at my desk……..let me think  real fast…I got it…AHHHH she thinks we have LoJack for columns…..and what makes her think we would want it back after she used it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What would be the point-just try and fathom the voids in the resin….. 

Tech:  Ma’am, you need to use a XX-ADCB to analyze that material. 

Caller:  OH…that will just ruin the day of those engineers….they wanted to use this column….. 

Well, wait….how do you know that….We still do not know exactly what column that is…you could not give me the model….what am I missing here…DING DING DING… YES, SO WHAT I AM HAPPY NOW… WOULD ONE OF THOSE ENGINEERS PLEASE FIGURE A WAY TO REMOVE YOU FROM THAT PHONE…. 

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi, I am the Lead Chemist for…..and I am calling for help with a software problem.

LA LA LA …es..LA LA LA…and you are calling me because????? You can no longer think….and you need someone to think for you!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  What problem are you having?

Caller:  The software is telling me I have more in my sample that is diluted 1000 times than in my sample I dilute 10,000 times.

 OHFJC…he is diluting by a factor of 10,000….and why is the boy genius doing that.  I have seen this a million times…blame the software which just tells you what you ask it.  I know it is the settings in the method file.  Have to see it…  

Tech:  Sir, I really need to see the data. Can you send me a backup file with your data.  Please be sure to click on all linked objects…so I can see the entire audit trail.

Caller:  OK.

 OMG…there it is big as day…has a calibration curve with signals all greater than 1 uS.  All his diluted samples are giving signals less than 1 uS.  He is forcing a linear fit through zero.  The quadratic with offset and no forcing function best fits that data.  So just let me redo all his data analysis…send it back….and tell him …… HE IS OVER-DILUTING!!!!!!!!!!!…..WAY OUT OF THE LINEAR RANGE…and NOT ONE OF THOSE DILUTIONS FALLS ON HIS CALIBRATION CURVE………..HJFC…..How the hell do they get these jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone needs to explain to me how you do a cal curve and you do not notice your lowest response factor!!!!!  So I send him his data, the modified data, with a full explanation as to why my data treatment is valid and his is not.  And once again I have saved a small corner of the universe!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

OH sure it is ALWAYS the Software…The software is not reading the data correctly!!!!!  LA LA LA LA LA LA LA…The software is at your mercy…it reads what you tell it to read!!!!!  I would love to leave my computer someday…and maybe with any luck….LOL the VOIP system will answer the phone….ALL BY ITSELF….!!!!!!