Chemistry Blog

From The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-6

I HAVE A SIMPLE QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Caller:  Hi, this is Dr._ _ _ and I am calling from _ _ _ _ and I have a simple question.  I am looking in the XYLL column manual and I was wondering if you could tell me the maximum concentration of hydroxide eluent I can use with this column. 

OK…now let’s see…I am looking in the XYLL column manual…Page 2:  The XYLL Column is carb/bicarb selective….Can I tell her what concentration of hydroxide she can use????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF….Need I say more!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am, the XYLL column is carb/bicarb selective and you will not get acceptable chromatography if you use hydroxide eluent.   

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi, this is  _ _ _  calling from  _ _ _and I am calling for help with the software. I have a simple question.  I am trying to set up  Admin Rights and I need help installing the database.  I can’t find it on the network.

MY second favorite call….WTF do they think I can install their database.  They need to pick it and install/mount it.  I am not the ruler of their network.  How the HELL do I know where their secure database is located!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am if you do not know where your database is located you will have to contact the IT person in your company.  I have no way of knowing where your secure database is located.  When you or your IT person has located it, call back and we can help you configure it. 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi, I am calling because I have a simple question.  My name is ….and I am the PhD, XXX for the Method Development Group for YYYZZZJJJ in …. And we are having a problem with our HPLC.

Well knock me over with a shot of curare…I mean all that and she needs my help with a SIMPLE QUESTION…OK then we’ll see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am. What is the problem you are having? 

Caller:  Well, we changed from reverse phase to normal phase and all my peaks are inverted.  We are using UV detection. 

Tech:  What happens when you inject your standards? 

Caller:  All the peaks are negative.  When I inject some mobile phase my peaks are inverted.  Do you have any suggestions? 

OK I have a SIMPLE QUESTION:  OMG…is she kidding!!!!!!!!!!  HTF does she think I can fix this over the phone….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am, what is the composition of the mobile phase?  What column are you using?   

Caller:  I am not sure?  Do you know the UV absorbance wavelength for methanol? 

HJFC….WHAT????   OOOOOHHHHHH  that one is sooooooooooooooo good…she does a shot of mobile phase and all her peaks are inverted….in fact the entire method was INVERTED…Do I know what is wrong?  OMG…she has HUGE CONTAMINATION or she is FLOURESCING…….WTF….!!!!! LMAO  just switched from RP to NP…and everything is UPSIDE DOWN…Do I have any suggestions!!!!….YES…REPLACE THE INTERFACE…MS. Dr. HPLC METHOD DEVELOPMENT SPECIALIST!!!! OH LET ME NOT LEAVE OUT THIS VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION THAT Dr. METHOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE XYZFYTH METHOD DEVELOPMENT GROUP ASKED ME;  “Do you know what the UV absorbance wavelength of methanol is?”  NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Do I have any suggestions she can follow….OH HELL NO I DO NOT…Please tell me exactly what is left for me to suggest?  I think she has done everything humanly possible to screw up that system!!!!! That HPLC System has been completely tortured…OK!!! YES I have a suggestion SOAK IT IN NITRIC ACID…CONCENTRATED NITRIC….Overnight…there you go all our problems SOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!Service Call!!!!!  Are you kidding me!!! OH and BTW:  If you try to dissolve your HPLC in nitric acid….THAT IS NOT COVERED UNDER WARRANTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hello…I am a Chemist with…and I need help with my calibration curve? 

Tech:  OK…what s the problem. 

Caller:  I made my standards and my R^2 is only .92 when I do a linear fit… 

Tech:  What is your range? 

Caller:  Huh? 

Tech:  The range of your standards…the lowest and the highest, what is it? 

Caller:  32 picomoles to 12000 picomoles…. 

OK then he is way out of the linear range.  WHAT IS THE DEAL.  There is a graph that has a line on it and there is this senseless impulse to apply a linear fit and force that fit thru the point (0,0)….does not matter if it is appropriate….just do it BECAUSE????????????  BECAUSE WHY??????? 

Caller:  And my signal is almost half what it was 2 years ago…so I need help with that too.. 

OMG..is he joking…better the signal is less….he would be in the cubic range… 

Tech:  What is the range of your samples? 

Caller:  50 to 500 picomoles. 

OK then why the hell are you going to 12000 picomoles….OMG this is unbelievable!!!!  What?  He wants to make sure he does not miss something??????? 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi…my name is….and I need help with my calibration curve… 

HHHMMMM WTF we have an epidemic here….!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  OK what seems to be the problem???? 

Caller:  Well I made all my standards…and I cannot find where my sample lies……. 

Tech:  How many points on the curve? 

Caller:  157 

ONL:Y 157….OMG  that is  not a curve…that is a pearl necklace….I mean…AAAAHHHHHHH   someone Please explain to me why this guy would do such a thing….  

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi,  I am a chemist with….and I have a simple question.  I need help with my standard curve.  The software is not working right. 

OK said std curve…and software not working right.  She has no idea how to create a standard curve!!!!!!!  Software works fine interface is FT Hell!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am…what is wrong with the curve? 

Caller:  I have to use a linear fit and I cannot make the line fit. 

Tech:  Ma’am, what is the range on your standards? 

Caller:  Well, OK….I go from 0 to 10,000 ppm. 

OMG….WTF is she thinking…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  0 to 10,000 ppm and she is forcing the function…Wait I bet I got this one nailed…there is more…I know there is even more…..!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am are you using offset? 

Caller:  NO…. 

Tech: How many injections per standard? 

Caller: 1

OH HELP ME …I am going to be on this one for an hour….Who the hell I mean how the hell…..I mean OMG I cannot even think anymore…I cannot believe….GEEEEZZZZZEEEEEEE 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi…I am a Chemist with…and my calibration won’t work.  I know this is a simple question; but, the software will just not work. 

OH SURE IT WILL IF WE REPLACE THE INTERFACE…..nothing wrong with the curve…it is the connection between the chair and the panel….Software does what you tell it to do!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  So what is the problem sir? 

Caller:  My data will not work with a linear fit…but if I use the quartic fit…it looks just great…so can you explain this…because I will have to justify it in my report…. 

OH well…good luck with that….that is just the end….THE QUARTIC FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….he had to dig deep for that one…QUARTIC FIT…hmmmm the quantum effect of ions…This is just amazing stuff…In my whole life….I cannot even begin to understand what you have done….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Contender for the Nobel….!!!! Sorry Later…BYE…I am out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a Chemist…and I am going where all good Chemists go!!!!!!!!!!  As Far away from you as I can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

E-mail: Dear ~M,

Hi my name is xxxx PhD, MD, PE…from xxxx and I was wondering if you could please take a look at my data.  You have helped me before and I just cannot figure out why my amount columns keep showing NA.I set up my sequence and it ran perfectly but all my amout columns say NA.

Dear PhD, MD, PE X,

(OMG look at that-all those credentials let me quit breating right now-aren’t you embarassed!!!!!)I have looked at your data (YES, at each and every bit of that 25 MB file you sent me!!!!!) and your amount columns read NA (Because you SDA with the huge signature!!!!! I know you are stupid -don;t you feel stupid!!!!!) you did not enter the amounts for your standards in the amount table in your calibration file of your method.

Please see the attached, adjusted file.Yes you DA….I did your work for you so go ahead and have a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Do not forget to send me that part of your paycheck I just earned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

~M

E-mail:

Hi!!! ~M, 

I am sending you my data…because I do not know what I am doing wrong.  You have helped me before and I was wondering would you PLEASE look at it and tell me how to fix it?

Senior Scientist, PhD, MS,

Dear Senior Scientist, PhD, MS,

(…Ad Infinitum!!!!…Oh let me just drop dead right here and now!!!!)  I have looked at the data you sent me (30 GDFing MB compressed file…1 month of GDF data-WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!).  I can see you are analyzing anions over a linear rang. However in your calibration file you are treating your Cl as CUBIC. I also see you are forcing the function thru zero (I am really holding back here…).It is rather unusual to treat 4 of your anions as linear and one as cubic. (Beats the hell outa me!!!!-4 treated as linear and 1 as cubic). If I adjust all of your curves to linear with offset…you can see that all the amounts fall into line and your R^2 is now 99.9999%.Please accept this data as a gift…a gift to the human race…I now know I have a calling in this life….and do not ever send me crap like that again…I know where you work…and I will hunt you down and shut you down.  Consider it an act of mercy with respect to the rest of humanty!!!

LOVE,~M

E-mail:

Dear ~M,

Hi this is…..How have you been?  I am attaching some data so you can fix it for me.  I have worked and worked and cannot get it to fit a straight line.  Please, Please, Please help me!!!!!! And my response factor it is all wrong. My spectra look awful.  I really need some guidance.

Gratefully Yours,Dr. XXX, Phd, MS, BS

Dear Dr. XXX (My most frequent  MFI-LMAO-I have to put unknown letters next to my name when I prove to the world I am hindered)I have reviewed your data and I can see you are analyzing cations using a XXX 7 Cation Standard.  (OMG-the tailing…the overloading, the linear function forced thru zero, the range OMFG…1 ppb - 10,000 ppb and…words could not describe)!!!!The ammonium anion is in each and every chromatogram (They are F$#@ing Chromatograms NOT Spectra and GUIDANCE…you need to go back to school); however,  you do not account for it in the calibration curve.  You have amounts for it in your tables, you have it tagged for cubic fit, but you negate it in every chromatogram (WTF is he normalizing against the NH4+ peak???-and that makes no sense unless he is doing a relative response factor)I can see you are treating it EXPONENTIALLY and forcing it thru ZERO.  Your data is out of the linear range if you are using a std range from 1 ppb - 10,000 ppb (OMFG range is 1 ppb - 10,000 ppb and 25 points too-did he think he would miss a spot….JFC here we go again integrating the circumfrence of the earth!!!)OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LA LA LA LA LA Please see all the adjustments I have made to your data in the attached file.ADIOS,  BYE BYE…forget my name and do never send me crap like that again…I swear by every breath I have left you will never ever do this again-HA HA as if anyone could repeat this mess again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Love,

~M

OH YIPPEE More SS…My Lucky Day!!!!!!!! 

Dear ~M, Hi, this is…. from XXYL …..Lab.  You have helped me in the past.  Can you tell me how to make a 1,000,000 x’s dilution with the software.  I keep trying to enter it and it will not stick.  It keeps kicking the number out.Kind Regards,PhD, MS, BSOMFG…a 1,000,000 x’s dilution.  OK then Well….let me see now….and this thought popped into her head BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Dear Dr. SFDA,The allowed range for dilution is:  0.0001 … 999999.9999

Dear ~M,

Could you please convey my disappointment to the software developers.  This is a serious flaw/fault in the XX program.  I would really appreciate it if they would fix that in the next version.  They really need to fix that.  It makes the software substandard.  Please tell them to rectify that prior to the next release.

Kind Regards,

PhD, MS, BS, AS

OH YEAH….YOU BETCHYA…I sure will.  Just let me walk my sweet ass right over to their office right now…..OH cannot wait to see the looks on their faces….LA LA LA LA LA LA LA…10, 9, 8, 7, YEP the building just fell down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HA HA HA HA ……I really need to consider in investing in Etch-A-Sketch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I  HAVE A SIMPLE QUESTION!!!….HOW ON EARTH IS IT POSSIBLE…I AM TRYING TO FATHOM THE ODDS…..I MEAN THE PROBABILITY OF ALL THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOWING HOW TO SET UP A CALIBRATION CURVE….BLAMING EVERYTHING ON THE SOFTWARE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO USE THE HELP FILE…I MEAN WE DID NOT ADD THAT IN THERE BECAUSE IT TOOK UP SPACE…..IT HAS A FUNCTION….IF YOU CAN HIT THE PANIC BUTTON ON THAT PHONE…CAN’T YOU USE THE HELP FILE IN THE SOFTWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!