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From The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-6
by Alpha-Omega on Mar 30 2008 (931 Views) 
I HAVE A SIMPLE QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caller: Hi, this is Dr._ _ _ and I am calling from _ _ _ _ and I have a simple question. I am looking in the XYLL column manual and I was wondering if you could tell me the maximum concentration of hydroxide eluent I can use with this column.
OK…now let’s see…I am looking in the XYLL column manual…Page 2: The XYLL Column is carb/bicarb selective….Can I tell her what concentration of hydroxide she can use????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF….Need I say more!!!!
Tech: Ma’am, the XYLL column is carb/bicarb selective and you will not get acceptable chromatography if you use hydroxide eluent.
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Caller: Hi, this is _ _ _ calling from _ _ _and I am calling for help with the software. I have a simple question. I am trying to set up Admin Rights and I need help installing the database. I can’t find it on the network.
MY second favorite call….WTF do they think I can install their database. They need to pick it and install/mount it. I am not the ruler of their network. How the HELL do I know where their secure database is located!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!
Tech: Ma’am if you do not know where your database is located you will have to contact the IT person in your company. I have no way of knowing where your secure database is located. When you or your IT person has located it, call back and we can help you configure it.
Subscribe to the comments for this postFrom The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-5
by Alpha-Omega on Mar 09 2008 (743 Views)Customer Types
RING,RING,RING the telephone sounds, and the hair on the back of your neck begins to rise. You know as soon as you pick up that phone you will be talking with someone who has no clue about what they are doing . They will expect you to be their personal assistant. When you have the title Technical Support Specialist you have to follow by some very strict rules. We have the moral obligation to deliver the best technical support that is in our ability to give….which means tell them whatever it takes to get them off the phone so you can continue with your game of POKEMON.
SO MANY LEVELS OF FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is all the same customer. 1) Bad connection or a habit of mashing face against the receiver, causing variable stretches of muffled conversation. 2)Non-native English speaker with heavy foreign accent. 3) Native English speaker who cannot speak English; and, uses extremely technical terms such as the thingy with the spikey, pointy end…. 4)High enough on totem pole to feel that he knows things. 5) Completely clueless about chemical instrumentation. He didn’t know how to “click and drag”. It took ten minutes to explain that to him, in small words, many different ways. 6) Calls the queue and specifically asks for me even though I was hoping to pawn him off elsewhere. 7) Does not realize that electronic items need power cords plugged in. I guess they think the cords are just optional decoration. 8) I’m too busy!!! This is the caller that has a problem and no time to let you fix it. Usually they just want to report the issue and then hang up. Eventually the problem will get bad enough they’ll either have to fix it…or their system will become FUBAR and have to be replaced.
Last call of the week before the trip to Pittcon:
From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-4
by Alpha-Omega on Feb 17 2008 (801 Views) 
Scenario:
You are a chemist working in a lab running state-of-the-art chemical instrumentation. You analyze materials that are incorporated into products that can mobilize or destroy the population of the earth as we know it.
Questions:
Since you are a CHEMIST/ANALYST running the above mentioned systems what would be your first responsibility to preserving humanity as we know it?
Things to Ponder:
Before you call Technical Support remind yourself of the following: What service does Technical Support provide? What are your responsibilities with regard to the work you do?
From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-3
by Alpha-Omega on Feb 02 2008 (770 Views)
I See Dumb People-Courtesey of Arkcon-Chemicalforums.com
BEST FIRST-OH HELL THEY ARE ALL GOOD!!!!! LMAO
Caller: Hi…my name is …and I am a Chemist with….and I need some help with part numbers for my XYZ accelerated solvent machine…
Accelerated solvent machine…OK it is an EXTRACTOR-OK we’ll see….!!!!!
Tech: Which system do you have? And what parts do you need?
Caller: The D3D and I need tubing with 4-mm id and a connector.
Tech: Which tubing sir?
Caller: The tubing for my gas.
Tech: Ok sir that part number is abcdef. Now which connector are we talking about?
Caller: I don’t know what you call it?
Imagine that question 2 is the DA question…he has no idea what he has or where it goes, what it does, can’t describe it…so psychic powers…ENGAGE,,,,LOL
Tech: Sir, can you describe what it looks like and where it is connected to the system?
Caller: It is the metal connector that brings the wind into my solvent bottles.
YES…and why would I expect any more or less…THE CONNECTOR THAT BRINGS THE WIND INTO HIS SOLVENT BOTTLES????!!!!!!! OK and what kind of WIND would that be….because I have Not a single clue what the HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT……And I could just PIMP over this one….and I know the rest of Technical Support was ROTFLTAO…and me well NO….I am stuck on the phone with you… Oh Delusional Chemist with the PhD…who is asking me for something no one on this earth has ever heard of….(there is no metal connector) …..so I guess I need to get your contact information so I can call my friends in R&D to find out exactly which metal connector they engineered to bring the WIND into your solvent bottles…and Oh BTW they have hidden it so well I have never seen it……OH and before you say even one word….NO he was NOT confusing WIND with nitrogen….. He said WIND and he meant WIND…..so now I am relinquishing ownership to a higher level of support……GGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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From The Archives of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation-2
by Alpha-Omega on Jan 21 2008 (1051 Views)
Here we are again…more stories for you from the bowels of Technical Support. I do not mean to scare you (OH YES I DO!!!)….but fair is fair….If I have to live with this I am NOT going down alone…..I want company!!!!!! Be Afraid Be Very Afraid….
OK Best First:
E-MAIL:
Dear Technical Support:
I am writing this because I want to know about pressurizing and degassing my eluents for our IC system. I can see there are 3 recommended gases: nitrogen, helium, and argon. I know our service rep has recommended we keep the pressure between 6 psi and 12 psi.
I understand why helium is recommended. I know that helium is a halogen with a full octet of electrons so it is non-reactive. But, why is nitrogen recommended instead of argon? Argon is the same kind of gas as helium; but, it is less reactive then helium because it is closer to the bottom of the periodic table and in the same group (halogens) as helium.
Nitrogen is right next to oxygen and should be more reactive. I mean even more reactive than oxygen. I was just wondering if you could address my concerns/question.
I now understand where the expression FEAR THIS comes from….Even if I had a million years I could not begin to fix all that…..SORRY I am a sefish person when it comes to preserving my own sanity. MY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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From The Archives Of Technical Support For Chemical Instrumentation
by Alpha-Omega on Jan 12 2008 (783 Views)
From The Archives of Tech Support for Chemical Instrumentation:
This is My Job….I LOVE MY JOB…
Caller: Hi my name is….and I am calling to get help with my IC system.
Tech: OK ma’am what seems to be the problem?
Caller: We can’t get a stable baseline. There are all kinds of spikes in the baseline.
Tech: OK, are they regular or irregular? Do you have drift?
Caller: It is all jagged and we can’t see any peaks.
Tech: Have you tested your water? What is the conductivity of the water?
Caller: OH yes…it is 2 the conductivity is 2.
Tech: What do you mean 2…that would be very high for 18.2 MegaOhm water?
Caller: We adjusted the pH of our water to 2.0 and we did it very carefully.
HHHMMMM that would be some mighty powerful water, Rip the enamel right off your teeth…. Not to mention the fact that this is IC and if you adjusted the pH of your water to 2 it is now EXTREMELY ACIDIC/HIGHLY IONIC and masking every peak in your sample. OH NO YOU DID NOT….GGGEEEZZZZEEEEE!!!
Caller: Hi my name is ……and I am with ……Company.
Tech: What can I help you with?
Caller: Our computer crashed and we need to reinstall the software.
Tech: Ok do you have the installation CDs? Caller: No that is why I am calling. Can you please FAX me a copy of the software. I lost the CDs.
OK well let me figure out how I am going to fit the CDs into the fax machine…..
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