Chemistry Blog

10 Things Young Graduate Students Need to Know

I noticed this little editorial seemed to be getting a lot of bookmarks at connotea, Ten Simple Rules for Graduate Students. It has some apt advice. Although most senior grad students would of learned those lessons the hard way, I would still recommend reading it. It also has links to other relevant papers like: Ten simple rules for getting published, Ten simple rules for getting grants, Ten simple rules for reviewers, Ten simple rules for a successful collaboration.

On the note of connotea, you can view the latest 25 bookmarked papers on connotea by clicking here: Latest Connotea Entries The php script will evolve into its own self-sustaining website with its own domain name and all that fluff, so don’t get too use to that url. The script also spits out how many people have bookmarked a paper in the recent 25 list. The eventual goal is to see which papers are ‘hot’ for the day, the week, or month based on connotea users.

Mitch

Posted in Nature, chem 2.0 | No Comments »

Strained Acetylenes for Click-Chemistry

This ACIE article caught my attention. Here, a “click-chemistry” based approach is used for in vivo labeling of glycoproteins. The strained acetylene 1 is linked to biotin to give 2. Cells that have been cultured in a way as to introduce N-azidoacetylsialic acid into glycoproteins were exposed to acetylene 2, then stained with avidin-FTIC (this is a fluorescein-labeled protein with a very high affinity for biotin). As a result, the glycoproteins at the cell surface fluoresce.

What happens chemically is a [3+2]-cycloaddition of the azido-substituted sialic acid (Sia) to the acetylene to give 3. The special thing here is the absence of copper(I), which would be cytotoxic and is normally required as a cycloaddition catalyst. Instead, the addition runs without any metals because of the strain of the eight-membered ring.

This also reminds me of Sharpless’ work for the fragment-screening of HIV-1 protease inhibitors (e.g. this ACIE article). He also used the [3+2]-cycloaddition with inhibitor fragments containing azido and acetylene groups. The fragments would effectively add in situ, i.e. inside the binding site, to form strong inhibitors. Here, the enzyme itself acts as a catalyst or template by arranging the most suitable fragments in a favourable orientation.

Posted in science news | 2 Comments »

Time Machine Possible in New Particle Accelerator

In recent years, time traveling has been not only a scenario in science fictions and Hollywood blockbusters, but also a scientific possibility due to the rapid developments of quantum theory. Tidbits on the possibility of achieving time traveling has sprouted up in news in the past couple of weeks.

The soon to be available Large Hadron Collider (LHC, pictured above) of CERN utilizes several superconducting magnets (kept at just 1.9 K) to guide charged particles to a desired projectile. Scheduled to be in operation by May of this year, it is the largest and highest energy particle accelerator in the world.[1] Using the LHC, a special run is scheduled for April 2008 in attempt to recreate the Big Bang.

By colliding charged particles at high velocity, researchers hope to reproduce the first billionth second after the Big Bang. By successfully doing so, this exercise would further validate the theory–some claim as the origin of life–since the Nobel win of Professor George Smoot in 2007.

However, the public hype of the launch of LHC isn’t all for the recreation of the mysterious Big Bang. Much of its attention is the possibility of creating a time machine as a side product of this exercise. As mathematicians Irina Aref’eva and Igor Volovich of Moscow’s Steklov Mathematical Institute pointed out, Einstein’s theory of general relativity suggests that particle collisions at such high energy level would distort the space-time fabric surrounding it. This distortion can create a wormhole, or “time tunnel,” allowing time traveling.[2] A related interview with Irina Aref’eva is available on YouTube.

Such claim sounds little more than a scene out of some scifi movie; and many in the scientific community agrees. Most remains skeptical of the production and application of the man-made wormhole. Surely, arguments like the lack of “time travelers” from the future still echo every time machine idea is brought up. Since what will happen inside the particle accelerator is still largely unknown, its secondary consequences also remain unpredictable.

Noel

[1] Large Hadron Collider, Wikipedia

[2] The world’s first time machine? Tunnel to the past could open door to future within three months, say Russians

Posted in nuclear chemistry, science news | 4 Comments »

Top Science Papers: January 2008

As most readers know, I have more than a passing interest in social bookmarking. There are popular social bookmarking websites like Digg and Reddit. But, there are also science social bookmarking websites like Nature’s Connotea. Connotea has many advantages over other sites, such as being able to export the papers you’ve bookmarked into Endnote and the ability to view other people’s paper databases. Unfortunately for Connotea, they don’t have the nicest visual interface for viewing the most popular papers by their users. Fortunately for you, I know how to query and index a database very well and quickly. I’m rapidly working on learning javascript and AJAX and should have a very nice website utilizing Connotea as the back-end database in a view days. For the time being, I present what Connotea users thought were the best science papers for January 2008. Not surprising, a paper about Connotea is at the top. If you want to help decide what ends up as the top science papers, than go register at Connotea.

Paper Title	#Users Bookmarked
Social Bookmarking Tools (II) A Case Study - Connotea	4
Web 3.0 and medicine	4
Protein-protein interaction networks and biology—what’s the connection?	4
Endogenous human microRNAs that suppress breast cancer metastasis	4

Sorry, no chemistry papers made it to the top.

Mitch

Posted in Nature, chem 2.0 | 5 Comments »

From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-4

Scenario:   

You are a chemist working in a lab running state-of-the-art chemical instrumentation.  You analyze materials that are incorporated into products that can mobilize or destroy the population of the earth as we know it. 

Questions:   

Since you are a CHEMIST/ANALYST running the above mentioned systems what would be your first responsibility to preserving humanity as we know it? 

Things to Ponder: 

Before you call Technical Support remind yourself of the following: What service does Technical Support provide? What are your responsibilities with regard to the work you do? 

The Facts: 

Technical Support is responsible for providing you with help/assistance for TECHNICAL PROBLEMS you encounter with your instrument. Application assistance is not the same thing as method development. 

Technical support cannot solve method development questions per a phone call. 

Do not try and flatter the Technical Support Specialist.  We know we are smart.  We know your limitations.  Most of the time the issue is FIXING THE CALLER…NOT FIXING THE INSTRUMENT!!!! 

Technical Support means Technical Support.  Our function is NOT to TEACH you chemistry.  It is ASSUMED you know chemistry. You should have a grasp of/ handle on MOLARITY,  NORMALITY, COLUMN CAPACITY, and VOID VOLUME.  So quit asking us to do your calculations.  It is NOT our job and we will not do it. 

We CANNOT tell you WHEN to calibrate your system.  That is something you determine.  If you have the urge/impulse you might write an SOP so everyone else in your company does not call 50 times a day asking the same question. 

We cannot tell you what your MDLs are.  That is WHY YOU THE CHEMIST run an MDL study.  We cannot tell you what your LODs are, that is fior you to determine.

QUIT BLAMING EVERYTHING ON THE SOFTWARE.  Software does what you tell it to do.  If it had a brain of it’s own it would reach out from that computer and strangle you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Contrary to popular opinion, TECHNICAL SUPPORT DID NOT WRITE THE SOFTWARE!!!!  SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS WROTE THE SOFTWARE….and FYI…Part of our job is to SHIELD them FROM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter how much data, how many structural formulae, or how much finished data you send us.  We CANNOT tell you WHICH column to use.  DO YOUR OWN LTERATURE SEARCHES.  TECHNICAL SUPPORT is NOT a babysitting service.  We cannot read you the literature and manuals over the phone.  ACT like you are a CHEMIST and make your OWN decisions about your OWN analyses. Step up to the plate and take OWNERSHIP of YOUR OWN WORK.

If you have a sudden urge/impulse to send us your broken equipment, FIGHT IT.  We are not an instrument repair service. 

Technical support CANNOT troubleshoot METHOD DEVELOPMENT, CHOOSE YOUR COLUMN, CHOOSE YOUR INJECTION LOOP SIZE, TELL YOU WHICH STANDARDS TO USE, TELL YOU THE UNKNOWN ANALYTES IN YOUR UNKNOWN SAMPLES, EXPLAIN WHY YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE GAS FLOW ON A COMPETITORS SYSTEM. Those are things we CANNOT DO. 

We can tell you how to fix your pump, fix your detector, change filters, cut your line, minimize dead volume, change your lamps, replace your degassing assembly, clean your flow cell, plug your components in,  etc…..THAT IS WHAT TECHNICAL SUPPORT DOES….. from the problems you describe…if they are TECHNICAL…WE CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO FIX AND HOW TO EFFECT THAT FIX.

DO NOT CALL AND ASK US TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR SYSTEM UNLESS YOU ARE IN FRONT OF IT.  That is a RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you hate calling us so much DON’T.  If you do call us…EXPECT TO BE IN THE QUE.  Do you think you are the ONLY ONE CALLING ? 

If you would like us to diasppaear…quit making us laugh…laughter makes us live longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And PONDER THIS….if we did fall off the face of the earth…HA HA HA…you would be left with fixing that system YOU BROKE…all by yourself….AND YOU WOULD HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES TO BLAME FOR NOT HAVING THE KNOW-HOW TO EFFECT THE FIX.

Think about what you are asking/doing before you stick that size 10 shoe in  your size 5 mouth. 

Ask yourself :Do you like making an ass out of yourself? 

You are aware we know more than you do; which, is why you call us.  So do not go bipolar on us and, do not curse at us.  When we put you on HOLD…we can hear you-Do not be a DA.  When you do not like our answer, do not respond with “Well, isn’t this Technical Support?”  We sure are and we are waiting for you to ask a TECHNICAL QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Technical Support cannot perform MIRACLES over the phone.  There are problems of such severity they require on-site service. 

Think about how many people are laughing at what you said long after you have called Technical Support asking that really DA question. Next time make up a name so you are not soon INFAMOUS in the industry.Remember FAMOUS and INFAMOUS are NOT synonyms. 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi!!! My name is ….and I am calling from….we have an auto sampler we moved from our old ….system and we hooked it up to our ….system and it will not work. 

Tech:  Can you tell me what you mean by  “NOT WORK.” Caller:  Well, not really….I feel kind of silly because I do not know what to ask….. 

OK  well yes ma’am you sure do sound silly…I see you are getting in touch with your feelings!!!!!!….And BTW-without a description I cannot troubleshoot….so DEADLOCKED…..If you do not know what to ask then I have no questions to answer….. 

Tech:  Ma’am, the auto sampler you use has relay or TTL connections…so which do you use? Caller:  I don’t know…I tried to use the setting in the software.. 

OMG, OMG, OMG…what settings in the software…there are NONE…OMG she changed the system configuration files…..LA LA LA LA ….MY MY WHY WHY?????   I mean you just moved the auto sampler from one system to another…..MANUAL READ THE MANUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am the model auto sampler you have is not controlled by the software.  It simply receives an electronic signal from the pump or detector.  That tells the auto sampler to load and inject.  There are 2 two prong connectors off the 10 pin relay connector….do you use those? 

Caller:  Well, we tried but there is no place to plug them in…..I was trying to make changes to the system configuration…… 

OMG….and she can see clearly this device is not loaded in there…it is not controlled by the software…I AM NOT REBULDING HER ENTIRE SYSTEM CONFIGURATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  What changes ma’am? 

Caller:  Well, the relay controls…on the pump. 

Tech:  Ma’am check all the relays for the pump and save and close the system configuration please. 

Caller:  OK that is done. 

Tech:  The new system…what model is it? 

Caller:  XXX-ABCD 

Tech:  Ok, ma’am, on page D-33 of the manual there are step-by step instructions for relay control of the system.  Are those the instructions you have been using? 

Caller:  OH, we skipped that page and went to the next page…. 

BIG AS DAY WITH PICTURES!!!!!!-She skipped that page-and why would that be????? ….DID she not just tell me she had no place to plug in the two 2-prong connectors??????…SO WHY THE HELL IS SHE FOLLOWING the TTL configuration instructions…THIS IS WAY PAST SILLY and way on down the STUPID ROAD. 

Tech:  Ma’am, please follow the instructions on the page you skipped.  You use relays for the control of you auto sampler. 

Caller: OK, but if it does not work I am calling you back. 

OH THREATS from a MORON CHEMIST!!!!  What shall I do????….I am shaking now….WHAT  CAN SHE DO TO ME…KILL ME WITH STUPID??????????  HA HA…I have had my vaccination-I am immune!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

NEXT 

Caller:  Hi my name is…and we have an XX-AB auto sampler we are having problems with it. 

Tech:  Sir, what seems to be the problem? 

Caller:  I think it may be the main board and there is no output on the screen. 

Tech:  Ok sir, that will require on-site service.  I can see the XX-XX is under warranty so I will set up a service call. 

OK reasonable man…he knows I can’t test the board thru the phone…HHHHMMMM this was too easy….and he was so polite and wrote everything down…why is something not right…HHHHHMMMMMMM

2 days later a package arrives FOR ME. The mail room is on the other side of our complex.  I get an e-mail from the receptionist “You Have Mail.”   OK this is strange…never give out my business cards..   No one has this address…I HAVE MAIL…. Everyone on site knows I have this package. 

I know something has to be way wrong – so many people are telling me about it.  Everyone who sees me tells me ~M you have mail.  OK OK I GET IT I have mail….  WTF….. So lunch rolls around and I go over to the mail center….I am looking.  Oh there the smallest one – literature, no doubt…… 

“OH NO NOT THAT ONE…This one is for you”…the head of In-House Service tells me “THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.”  OK this is a 100lb XX-XX that haws been sent in….to ME for repair….LOL LOL LOL…OK LOL LOL everyone thought I was opening a new repair service.  OK now I have a $25,000.00 piece of equipment in MY POSSESSION…Have to get it back to the DA that sent it to ME in TECHNICAL SUPPORT. 

Yes, true be that…I just set up my own side business…Auto Sampler Repair….5 minutes this went out coast to coast…I mean everyone knew some DA sent me an auto sampler…I get calls LOL LOL LOL …I get e-mail…LOL LOL LOL LMAO….ROTFLMAO… OK enough already…what tiny little idiot idea entered this man’s head…and where exactly did he get the IMPULSE (there is medication for that) to send me an auto sampler. I run this by the service rep and she tells me …”Oh sometimes he gets confused…LMAO…She was laughing so hard she could not breathe….  He is a sweet man; but, he gets confused.”  YEAH YOU BETCHYA…..!!!!  I now have so much confidence in the confusion of people running this instrumentation…Well, you do not have to tell me twice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:   

Caller:  Hi , my name is….and I am the Senior Lab Chemist for….I need some help with my absorbance detector. 

Tech:  Ok Ma’am, which model do you have. 

Caller:  I don’t know .  How do I find that out? 

OMG…READ READ READ READ…..Here we go again…Has no clue what she has…has a problem she cannot ID…OH…Someone this is just not fair…LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  

Tech:  Ma’am, do you have the manual? 

Caller:  No.  Is there a manual? 

HELL YES…There is always a manual….OK I am the blonde here….What is your EXCUSE OH GREAT AND MIGHTY CHEMIST…. I am just trying to picture someone walking up to this huge system….and what you magically know how to operate it….YES THERE ARE MANUALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT am I the only one who when I buy a car makes sure there is a manual in the glove-box.

Tech:  Ma’am what is wrong with the detector. 

Caller:  It won’t turn on. 

Tech:  Ma’am do you see a light on the front panel? 

Caller:  No…Front panel? 

I am so screwed……Exactly what did I do in that past life that was so BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The panel on the front of your detector module….OMG…is she kidding????????????? 

Tech:  Ma’am, can you please check the power cord. 

Caller:  Power cord?  What power cord?… 

YES MA’AM…you know the thing you plug into the wall.  Of course let me not have great expectations she actually has a UPS…..no one ever does….I hear over and over…”Well, you did not tell us we needed that….”  COMMON SENSE…..what is you big screen TV plugged into?  What is your stereo plugged into? How about that home computer…what is it plugged into?  THE WALL?  “OH NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT…” Then God Damn It…whay do you have a 100K+ piece of instrumentation plugged into the WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? DA DA DA DA DA DA……………….. GGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEE

Tech:  Ma’am please walk to the rear of the instrument and tell me if you see a cable with a plug on the end. 

Caller:  Wait, can you hold on? 

Tech:  Sure can…. 

Yes oh you bet…If I had a choice I would throw you out of a plane to knock some sense into your head….. 

Caller:  OH!!! OH !!!!OK I see a cord like for a toaster…

 LIKE FOR A TOASTER!!!!…..OMG…. Sure if that works for her…Oh Great Chemist-her analogy TOASTER -WHY THE HELL NOT….YEAH YOU WERE TOASTED LONG AGO.  AAAHHH  see there is the problem right there….chemical instrumentation is NOT like a TOASTER…you cannot just turn it upside down, shake it, and expect it to work!!!!!! 

Tech:  Ma’am plug that cord into one of your wall outlets. 

Caller:  OH…the light is on now…. 

HE HE HE YA THINK??????  Not for long!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ODDS ARE AGAINST IT.  There are some things….you can bet your life on the probability!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT: 

Caller:  I just replaced my loop on the injection valve.  I replaced a 10 uL with a 5 uL and I need to know what I have to change my injection volume to? 

Tech:  What volume are you injecting? 

Caller:  2 uL 

Tech:  If you are doing a partial loop injection, please replace the 2 uL with the 10uL loop. 

Caller:  Why should I do that?  I only need 2 uL. 

Tech:  When you perform a partial loop injection you have to inject 3 times volume of the sample injection; so, the total volume to 6 uL. 

Caller:  How do you know that? 

WELL, I am a GDFing genius and you are not.  In fact, you do not even know your 3 times tables…. I read the manual.  Obviously you have NOT.  Hell, I can multiply and you can’t. 

Tech:  Sir, you have to use 3 times your injection volume. So you need to reinstall the 10uL loop adjust the total volume to 6 uL. 

Caller:  How do I know that is the procedure? 

WELL, obviously your manual is still in the shrink wrap. And you do not and you do not know your 3 times tables either.  So , no matter how many times you read the 4 sentences you will not get it anyway!!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  Sir, 3 x 2 = 6 Caller:  What do you mean? 

LMAO..mute button…..HA HA HA HA ….OK well there is a big crowd around my desk now….This is the high point of everyone’s day listening to MY BFS Callers. 

Tech:  You will not be able to use a 5 uL loop to do a 2 uL injection so 3 x 2 = 6.  You have to use 3 times the injection volume.  Change the injection loop back to the 10uL loop and set the total injection volume for 6 uL in the front panel of the auto sampler. 

Caller:  I do not understand? 

I got that…I do know a guy here has a bat in his trunk….Perhaps that would be a good enlightening device!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe I can reach thru the phone line and connect that injection loop to your ears….now there is a solution!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, you have to use 3 times the injection volume.  3 x 2 =6 

Caller:  What? Tech:  Sir, 3 x 2 = 6 

Caller:  I still do not understand what you mean…..can you explain 2 x 3? 

At this moment in time all the phone lines went down… MY LUCKY DAY!!!!!  Those are the moments tech support lives for.  HA HA HA HA  SWEET…..!!!!!!!!  WOO HOO for VOIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 NEXT Hi my name is……………. and I am calling because I need to know why my background conductivity is so low. 

Holy Mary Mother of GOD…WTF does she mean??????????  Help me out here…we have an IC system with conductivity detection and you are asking me WHY THE BACKGROUND IS SO LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!AND THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM BECAUSE????? 

Caller:  I need to know what would make that happen.  It has never been this low. 

HA HA HA well, maybe you took a day off and someone did something right.  DO NOT QUESTION A GOOD THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHH  the IC Fairy paid you a visit.  Or was it the IC Angels…we have so many magical creatures that just invade your system…not sure which might have been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, I do not know why that would happen.  I am glad your background is low.  Your system is functioning properly. 

Caller:  OK.  I guess I will call back if anything else changes. 

OH GREAT!!!!  Can’t wait….. 

NEXT: 

Caller:  Hi… I am the R&D Chemist for…………and I am analyzing for sub ppb levels of bromate and bromide.   Can you tell me what loop size I need to use? 

NO NO NO NO NO I CAN’T.  That is part of your method development OH GREAT AND MIGHTY R&D CHEMIST.  But you better pick a big one start with 1000 uL and work your way down.  OMG, OMG….OH she is so on my list….. 

Tech:  Ma’am, I am sorry but I have no way of resolving that issue over the phone.  You will have to try various sizes while developing your method. 

Caller:  Isn’t this Technical Support? 

Tech:  Yes, ma’am it is.  But your question falls under the category of method development .  It is outside the scope of Technical Support. 

Caller:  Well, can you put me in touch with someone who knows? 

OH YOU BET….I will escalate this right to her sales rep….THAT WILL TEACH THEM BOTH A LESSON!!!!!!!!! 

Tech:  I am sure I can find someone.  Can I have your contact information? 

NEXT:  

Caller:  Hi…I am calling to ask a question about the PP Strong Cation Exchange column.

OMG I know this guy…he is from L_U.  He is so stupid…that the service rep went and picked up his HPLC system and brought it back to _ _ _ _ _ _ .  I mean 32 calls a day and minimum of 8 e-mails/daily.  Guess they left him a column!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had to log all his communications just to prove to his faculty advisor he was stalking Technical Support.  LOL he called 30times, 50times, and once 67 times…..He told his advisor he called Tech Support “every once in a while.” LOL yeah, like every 5 minutes…OH this guy is DUMBER than DUMB…OVER THE EDGE  DUMB…I mean asks for access to do auto cleaning of the flow cell…DING DING DING…if you did not purchase the software you cannot do it…OH but he still insisted on that…even though we kept telling him he had to do it manually. 15 CALLS JUST FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OK this has got to be good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, I have only had him twice before….somehow I have managed to escape this one…Well they say PAYBACK IS A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Tech:  Sir, what is the question?Caller:  I want to know the pore size of the resin on the column.Tech:  Sir, that column is non-porous.Caller: Yes, I need the size.Tech:  Sir, the column is non-porous.  The literature explains the size of the pellicular resin.  But the resin is non-porous.Caller:  I am in the column manual and I cannot find the pore size. This is a simple question. Don’t you know the answer?.LOL LOL LOL HE HE HE HE HE HE HE…and I have told you the answer..DA…..THIS IS THE DUMBEST MAN EVER. PAYBACK IS INDEED A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, can you go to www._________.com

Caller:   Yes.

Tech:  If you type in PP strong cation exchange in the search field and press enter you will come to a number of hits.

Caller:  OK….I do not see anything…

IMAGINE THAT…which part of NON-POROUS…are you NOT getting. 

Tech:  I am sending you the link.

Caller:  OK…I have it …

Tech:  That is the data sheet for the PP Strong Cation Exchange Column. It is NON-POROUS.

LA LA LA TRA LA LA LA.……………..

Caller:  I need the pore size of the resin.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH….Death by….. SHOOT THIS MAN IN THE HEAD…NO FORGET THAT….LET ME PLUG THE HOLES HE HAS…OH THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST DUDE EVER.  I AM SO GLAD THEY TOOK THE GDFing SYSTEM BACK…..TOO BAD THEY FORGOT THIS COLUMN IN THE RUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I consider myself so lucky to be able to curse a blue streak in Spanish.  I can be bilingual when required.

Tech:  Sir, read sentence 2 in paragraph 1.

Caller:  OH…it says NON-POROUS….OH you taught me something….THANK YOU!!!

OMG, WTF was that!!!!!!!!!!!!!……Next time, there will be no next time….I am having an RMA issued for that column. We just need a minimum dumbness test or you cannot purchase anything .  If there is a NEXT TIME… I say:  Sir, do you have a pen…Sir, write this down N….O…..N   P…..O….R….O…..U….S…AHHHH Word Up:  His advisor reports this guy is way better than the last student she had………HHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM… 

THIS WAS THE BEST E-MAIL of the MONTH:

 ~M,

Before in the past you assisted me in providing electronic copies of manual and wondered if you have the same for reagent and standard preparation for the aforementioned analytes.  Much appreciated.
 
I need_ _ _ _ _ _  manuals for preparing solutions for anions, cations, transition metals, and weak acids.

Ms. X
QA/QA LEADER

OK QA/QC LEADER…is she joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the Hell is that?  Manuals for what EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ms. X,

I do not see what you are analyzing.  You have not listed any specific analytes.  Each column you use requires application specific solutions of analytes and reagents to be prepared.  Your analyte solution will depend on the column capacity per the specific manual associated with that column set.  There is no generic manual _ _ _ _ _ _ publishes regarding the preparation of solutions. Each solution you require for an analysis would be application specific.  To find the appropriate solution for your application you will have to search the application notes/column manuals for the solutions appropriate to your analyses. The outlines provided in the literature assume the analyst can calculate the required concentrations.Your application/method/sop will outline the reagents and the prep you use for your analysis.  If you are using a _ _ _ _ _ _ application note…(www.      .com – you can search for notes)…or you can find the operating conditions including required reagent concentrations in the Example Applications Sections of your various column manuals.The column manuals will provide solution prep outlines.  You can obtain those also at www.      .com…go to the search field and type in the column model (e.g., FF22, DD11, etc…) and you can download the appropriate pdfs to your computer.

~M
Technical Support Specialist

~M,

I understand what you mean.  I will gather the column information and request later.

Ms. X
QA/QC LEADER

OK so she blew off everything I said and expects me to do her literature search!!!!!!!!!OH WELL OH HELL NO…sorry I have a LIFE of MY own…I don not leave here with plans to reaserch your project…………….So hey there Ms. QA/QC Leader…get up off your ass and do your own literature search!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Ms. X,

You can take the column model#s…go to www.      .com; and, for example, if you are using an XX11….type that into the search field in the upper right hand corner…and that will bring your column manual(s) up…Also, you can do a search for application notes…type in transition metals….and you can review the operating conditions in the Technical Notes (TN) and Application Notes (AN) and Application Updates (AU).Those notes and updates will show you various operating criteria…including eluent concentrations.  Each and every _ _ _ _ _ _ column manual gives you instructions on how to prepare stock eluent.I have also arranged to have a _ _ _ _ _ _ reference library CD sent to you so you can proceed with your literature search.

~M

Technical Support Specialist

OK…Now do not even go there….Do NOT TELL ME THIS TOOK 3 Separate Communications…NO WAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH when I grow up I want be a QA/QC LEADER so I can get other people to do my job….Then I can put it in writing ..THAT I DO NOT KNOW A DAMN THING…..!!!!!!! 

NOW PLEASE go back to the opening paragraphs of this post….AND READ THEM 10 TIMES.  REMEMBER…YOU TOO COULD WIND UP IN THIS BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized, electronics chemistry | 4 Comments »

Explosion: Grad student looses both hands, face burned

Sad news coming out of Warsaw today. A 27-year old graduate student at Wojskowa Akademia Techniczna (Military University of Technology) suffered severe injuries while performing experiments towards his thesis. He lost both hands and received severe burns on his face. The explosion did not cause a fire. Apparently, his research was on explosive materials. Link to article: here (Sorry, Polish only)

If I had to guess, I would point my finger at a shock sensitive material (peroxides?). Hopefully, the mainstream press will pick-up and follow-through with the story so we can learn from this incident.

Note 1: Thanks to Borek, the ChemBuddy guy, for the tip.

Mitch

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

Blessings and curses

Hello!

My name is Phil. I’m doing my Ph.D. at ETH Zürich (that’s right, in Switzerland), where I’m working in the field of Medicinal Chemistry. This is my first post, hooray!

One of my group jobs is to take care of the LC-MS system we bought last year. You know, that magic box where the people from CSI can put some saliva sample in, and ten seconds later the display tells them exactly which drug the person was abusing at his/her time of death. Unfortunately it’s not all that easy in reality. For synthetic chemistry, it is both a blessing and a curse. As long as it works, it is extremely useful, especially for complex reaction mixtures like the ones in cross-coupling reactions and such. However, it requires a lot of maintenance because something seems to go wrong several times a week. In a way that’s not so surprising because more than 50 people use the machine, and I imagine not all of them think much about what kind of substances they inject.

Still, it sometimes annoys me when the technical difficulties are completely left away in TV series. You never see one of the CSI people cursing at a clogged HPLC column. But I guess that’s why I know I’m a Chemist.

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Metalloids, acids, pencils and pens — AP Chem Rap

Hello hello, awesome readers of the Chemistry Blog. My name is Noel, and I’ve been on the Make-Mitch-Finish-His-PhD task force at LBL since August 2007. After being a loyal reader of the site, it finally came time for me to make my first blog post. For your entertainment, here we present the AP Chem rap by The Kemistry Kidz.

Not so bad for high schoolers, eh? After watching this one too many time in lab, Mitch and I decided that it’s important to share joy and another reason to procrastinate with the rest of you lovely readers. Cheers!

Noel

P.S. If I give you the mole, can you find the mass?

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Berkeley Chemistry Department Visiting Days for Prospectives 2008

I’ve unfortunately been suckered into representing my boss (Heino Nitsche) for the prospective visits this spring. My boss is unavailable due to teaching, and I will be doing the typical office meet-and-greet for him. So, if anyone wants to chill in his office with the best cheap wine I can afford before the poster session please register to meet with Heino Nitsche during your visit at Berkeley. I promise it will be a very relaxed atmosphere. Even if you don’t have any interest in the Nitsche group, I have no problems being open about any other group you may be interested in or grad school at Berkeley in general.

Visit Days for 2008: February 29th, March 7th, March 14th, March 21st.

Mitch

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From The Archives of Technical Support for Chemical Instrumentation-3

I See Dumb People-Courtesey of Arkcon-Chemicalforums.com

BEST FIRST-OH HELL THEY ARE ALL GOOD!!!!! LMAO

Caller: Hi…my name is …and I am a Chemist with….and I need some help with part numbers for my XYZ accelerated solvent machine…

Accelerated solvent machine…OK it is an EXTRACTOR-OK we’ll see….!!!!!

Tech: Which system do you have? And what parts do you need?

Caller: The D3D and I need tubing with 4-mm id and a connector.

Tech: Which tubing sir?

Caller: The tubing for my gas.

Tech: Ok sir that part number is abcdef. Now which connector are we talking about?

Caller: I don’t know what you call it?

Imagine that question 2 is the DA question…he has no idea what he has or where it goes, what it does, can’t describe it…so psychic powers…ENGAGE,,,,LOL

Tech: Sir, can you describe what it looks like and where it is connected to the system?

Caller: It is the metal connector that brings the wind into my solvent bottles.

YES…and why would I expect any more or less…THE CONNECTOR THAT BRINGS THE WIND INTO HIS SOLVENT BOTTLES????!!!!!!! OK and what kind of WIND would that be….because I have Not a single clue what the HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT……And I could just PIMP over this one….and I know the rest of Technical Support was ROTFLTAO…and me well NO….I am stuck on the phone with you… Oh Delusional Chemist with the PhD…who is asking me for something no one on this earth has ever heard of….(there is no metal connector) …..so I guess I need to get your contact information so I can call my friends in R&D to find out exactly which metal connector they engineered to bring the WIND into your solvent bottles…and Oh BTW they have hidden it so well I have never seen it……OH and before you say even one word….NO he was NOT confusing WIND with nitrogen….. He said WIND and he meant WIND…..so now I am relinquishing ownership to a higher level of support……GGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

NEXT:

Caller: Hi my name is ….and I am calling from…. And I need application information on the analysis of short RNA (within 20 bases).  I am getting broad peaks using reversed phase using a XYZ cbc PCAT column.

AHHHH…Imagine that-that sends up a red flag…this guy’s method is failing and he is using a competitor’s SS system with _ _ _ _ _ _ columns. He wants me to fix all the  issues in his method by phone…NO NO NO NOT NOT NOT…and he wants me to tell him it is OK to operate under conditions strictly prohibited in that column manual….I am PSYCHIC….WATCH!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Sir, what system are you using?

Caller: It is an one thousand one hundred..umm…A….H….

Tech: Is it an Agilent 1100 series HPLC system?

Caller: YES!!!!! Oh yes it is….!!!!!

Damn….they get so excited….like they think…OH…Technical Support can fix all my problems now…NOT NO WAY NOT ….even if we had 1 million years…..

Tech: Sir, what mobile phase are you using; and,  what concentration?

Caller: Phosphoric acid? XXM.

OMG…What did I tell you….the columns are trashed….SS system + concentrated phosphoric acid + PEEK columns….= Disaster….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Sir, you cannot use XXXM phosphoric acid in the XYZ tgf PCAT column.

Caller: So how do I fix this?

You can’t…you are done for…goose cooked…it is all over…..

Tech: go to http://www._/ _ _ _ _ _ .com and do a search for application notes regarding your analysis.

They really think it is our job to do their literature searches….OH…SURE…..!!!!! WHY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller: Isn’t this technical support? Won’t you just read them to me?

OH SURE….LET ME SPEND THE NEXT 10 Years reading this guy APPLICATION NOTES…I mean has he lost his mind…READ THEM TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poof be gone.!!!!!!!!..And I guess your mama done spoiled you as a child….OMG….!!!!!!  Well HELLO!!!!!!  I am not your mama…..and I have no children nor do I want any….!!!!!   GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TECH: Sir, I am unable to stay on the phone and read the application notes to you. That is research that has to be done by the primary analyst.

Caller: What is your name?

Well, this is how it really is: OH I am being threatened by a MORON….I am just shaking now!!!!! ….Go ahead….write to my supervisor and tell him I would not do your job for you!!!!!!!!!!….In fact, here is his e-mail address and his direct line.  If you could see the look on his face when he gets complaints like that…..Please tell my boss-”and your technical specialist would not read me the literature over the phone!!!!!!”   LMAO….LMAO….LMAO…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

DO IT DO IT….PLEASE DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!…Because he is going to call you a MORON too…and Technical Support will celebrate that by going to out for dinner and laughing our asses off at your complete and utter stupidity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOW HEAR THIS….. WE HAVE YOU ALL ON TAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TAPE THERE IS TAPE…I have not one damn thing to prove…All we have to do is LISTEN TO THE TAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, let me tell you a secret….the more negative points we accumulate from people like you…LOL The fatter our raises are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And those types of letters of complaint…that is what those RECYCLE BINS are for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

NEXT:

Caller: Hi…I am calling to find out how often I should run a calibration.

LMAO…I love these questions. They just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Tech: Sir, I cannot give you an exact time and date. I can suggest you recalibrate according the criteria outlined by your industry.

Caller: So what is that?

I see he is lost and will never be found…LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: That is a determination you will have to make internally.

Caller: When do other people calibrate?

LOL…NO…Never,  if they can arrange it….LMAO!!!

Tech: Sir, when ever you make a change to your system; it is a good idea to recalibrate to make sure the system is functioning properly.

Caller: Change? What do you mean by change?

Change…change now…into a thinking and rational CHEMIST…..!!!

Tech: Changing the columns, the suppressor, the eluent, operating temperature, etc…

Caller: OH that will mean a lot of work.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…Yes it would….Can you meet the challenge??????????

Tech: Yes sir, it requires time and patience.

And what did he expect me to say…OH YEAH…You know that shipkit that came with your system…Well, there is a magic wand in there and if you wave it over the system it calibrates itself….GGGGGGGEEEEZZZZEEEEE…..

NEXT:

Caller: Hi…my name is ….I am calling from….and I need help with my standards. I need help right away. This is a life and/or death situation. Someone at _ _ _ _ _ _ has to help me pick the right standard.

OH this is going to be good….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, what do you mean exactly.

Caller: Well, I have these 2 standards and I need to know which to pick.

LMAO….LOL ….LOL…..I knew this would be good…WTF is she getting at…Oh waiting with bated breath……

Tech: Ma’am, I cannot pick a standard for your analysis.

Caller: But they are coming out differently.

No shit…. Really?????…..That is just the most amazing thing…2 different standards coming out differently…Have you ever heard of such a thing in your whole life!!!! I have to admit I am just shocked and amazed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, are the standards from 2 different vendors?

And now I have to say I am just floored…I mean 2 different standards from 2 different vendors!!!!…ahhhhh and they come out differently!!!….I mean who would have thought!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the trauma she is experiencing!!!! LOL…LOL…LOL

Caller: Yes.

Tech: Ma’am, you will have to make that judgment call.

Caller: Well, I have to get this done and I do not know which to pick. My results will determine if a 10 million dollar fine is levied on a company …I have to testify in court….and my results will determine if this company is shut down and fined or allowed to stay open.

OH WELL, THEN NO PRESSURE THERE…RIGHT…OK she has released proprietary information. She has told me she is a DA; and, cannot determine which standard to use. She has told me the entire fate of this company she is testing for depends on whether Technical Support validates the use of one standard over another by phone…LIKE DING DING DING …lots of RED FLAGS here….HELLO Oh Crazy Person…Are you really degreed? Did you recently experience a major head trauma? OMG Oh My Ears…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DIRECT YOUR ANALYSIS?????????

Tech: Ma’am, the only suggestion I can make is that you consider ordering an NIST standard and using that for your analysis. I can tell you that if you look at the COA, that _ _ _ _ _ _ standards are NIST traceable.

Caller: So you are telling me to use the _ _ _ _ _ _ standard.

Tech: NO , No ma’am, I am NOT telling you which standard to use.

And you Bet your Sweet Ass that I am sending this to Product Management and R&D so they know what you are asking me. NO WAY will this company or will I take liability for your beyond DA and STUPID assumptions and poor analytical procedure.  Can you see the headlines…..Technical  Support Specialst responsible…for God Knows what that happened to Who knows Who…!!!!!!

Caller: But I have to know which to use…

Well, good luck with that…!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, I am sorry but that is all I can suggest. If you want to give me your contact information I will gladly escalate this issue to product management and have them respond to your issue.

Caller: OK, so they can tell me what to do.

OH Yeah…You betchya…….!!!!! This is being escalated to Product Managemnt…in a heartbeat…I am not going to be on that 48 hrs expose right next to you….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: They may be able to assist you further.

NOW…Can you guess what they told her?????….And,  I got the most complementary letter from Product Management/R&D for the good advice I gave her, and my extensive documentation just in case our company was implicated…WOO HOO…wash my hands of that one…….And someday someone can tell me WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

E-Mail

Background: Customer orders our protein concentrate thru a reseller. The reseller calls me and asks on the customer’s behalf what the volume is in the ampoules. I explain that the volume is 0, because it is a solid that must be reconstituted with water.

24 hours later I receive an e-mail from this customer (his credentials take up half the page) asking me the same question and INDICATING HE HAS USED THIS PRODUCT FOR 2 YEARS….really and you do not know it has 120 Pico moles (SOLID) in the ampoules. Then he asks who the vendor is? …

Dear ~M,

I was directed to you by Ms. CM of FS. I am trying to find out what the volume is in the ampoules of PXRDVZM that we use for our proteomics analysis of GDIVL.

I would also like to know who the vendor is.

Thank You

Dear Dr. DA,

The volume in the ampoules is essentially 0.  Each ampoule contains 120 picomoles of PXRDVZM.  And _ _ _ _ _ _ , we are the vendor.

Regards,

OMG…are you joking…this dude is a PhD and works for the highest pharmaceutical regulatory agency in the country and he is asking me this; after, hae has stated…HE HAS USED IT FOR 2 YEARS…..And he cannot comprehend that 120 pmoles does not constitute a volume….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

OMG I can see everything all too clearly now…All of my problems in life began when my parents gave me BABY ASPIRIN…WHO THE VENDOR IS???? We are the vendor….you are writing to the vendor and asking the vendor these questions HELLO REMEMEBR- the company you just wrote to asking about the contents of the ampoules ….OH HELL… GGGGGGEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZEEEEEE

E-Mail: The Kiss Your Ass-Let me Bless you type e-mail…..

~M

Thank you so much for your help and patience tonight, chromatograms look much better now.

Bless You,

TEH-R Lab

Oh Yeah sure!!!!!!….Well turning the pump on will improve your peaks.!!!!…That little change will amaze you!!!! AH HA….That will be enough of that….Far too much invoking going on ….I am fully aware that someone has formed a waxen image of me and has EXTRA LONG PINS…and OH OH…This is just too much…..I swear they just want to be your friend…UNTIL you cannot solve their impossible issue. Then they turn on you….like a pit bull gone mad…One day you are a goddess and then one day when you tell them: “I am sorry sir/ma’am, I cannot ID the unknown peaks in your unknown samples…..HA HA HA that is their MO….watch what they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT:

Caller: HI…My name is and I am calling from the….University.

Oh Hell!!!!! Third one today….Lucky Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: What do you need help with?

Caller: My electrochemical detector.

OMG…NO NOT an ED…..!!!!!

Words of death…this is the one thing people have so much trouble with…they do not know what it is or how to use it. Most of the time they have no clue what they are analyzing….This is going to be bad….especially a call from a university….where they are notorious for replacing bad parts in drawers….parts that have long been dysfunctional and cannot be repaired…I still have NO CLUE WHY THEY KEEP THEM…

Tech: Ma’am, what is wrong with the detector?

Caller: I have to do a carbohydrate analysis and I am getting large drift and some humps in the baseline.

OK….I know what the fix is….this is going to take a good hour…she will NOT listen to me….she will miss all the important things…THIS IS SO EASY A CHILD CAN DO IT…a grad student with an undergrad degree…NOT…..

Tech: Ma’am, the eluent you use, that NaOH has to be made fresh every 72 hours. You do not want to keep it longer than that.   If you do you will probably wind up poisoning the working electrode.  The working electrode has to be polished. Make sure there is no oxidation at the surface. The reference electrode, must be recalibrated each time new eluent is prepared. Have you done all that?

Caller: I just turned the system on…..I did not know I had to do anything…

OH…NO SHE CANNOT BE THAT STUPID (let me stop myself right there-anything is possible)…….OH yeah, I forgot, columns are those new magical plug and play devices and suppressors are immortal, and eluent magically makes itself….HELLO STUPID PEOPLE-even RFIC requires the analyst fill the water….Have I hit em all!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, when was the last time the system was used prior to you turning it on today?

Caller: OH, my professor told me it was used about a year ago….

OH ONLY A YEAR AGO…and she has not touched a thing….and I am sure the columns were left in line….there goes the resin….the reference electrode -just bury it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, did your advisor give you a manual and an application?

Caller: Yes, but he said to call you if I needed help???

Did he now????….And he expects us to teach you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, hey there professor of that famous university ….if you want this woman to detect ppb levels of carbs….have her change that 1 year old eluent….and give her a working reference electrode…..

Tech: Ma’am, have you read the literature he gave you?

Caller: NO….I called you first

Well, of course you did…ass backwards all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…most logical approach…and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, you have to read the directions in the manuals for setting up that system.

Caller: I did try to calibrate the reference electrode…..Can’t you just tell me !!!!

OK, we have gone down that road and it is NOT WORKING…..NO…NO I can’t just tell you…because you did not read and you have no clue of what amprometric detection is……!!!!!! And your professor does not give a damn if you ever learn it either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am, you will not be able to do that until you make fresh eluent.

Caller: OK, I will do that and call you back if I need more help.

LATER THAT SAME DAY……………………….

Caller: I still need help with the reference electrode. I cannot get it to calibrate.

Tech: Ma’am, the reference electrode is a consumable and should be replaced every 6 months to a year.

Caller: My professor handed me a new one this morning.

Tech: Ma’am, was it sealed in a box?

Caller: No, he just handed it to me.

OMG…5 years old if a day….and been gathering dust in some drawer….somewhere waiting for some poor grad student to try and resuscitate it….!!!!!

Caller: I have a question about that reference electrode?

OH well…go right on and ask……!!!! I am pretty reasonable…most of the time….

Caller: The reference electrode is called Ag/AgCl….

Tech: Yes, Right….

What the Hell is she getting at…OH Something Wicked This Way Comes……

Caller: So if only one half of it is working. I can still use it right? I mean I can just make it calibrate on one side right?

LOL…If only half of it is working???? OH THAT IS JUST SO WRONG….NO NO NO NO NO…..OMG…WTF was that question….OH NO NO NO NO NO…NO YOU CAN’T and WTF you mean only one half working…What the Hell does that mean???????? I mean an Ag/AgCl electrode is not analogous to Siamese twins….You cannot separate the two sides of the electrode and expect it to have a fulfilling life!!!!….GGGGGGGEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEEEEE

Tech: No ma’am, the entire electrode must be working in order for you to get good results. So if only half of it works…please ask you advisor to order/purchase a new one.

And well, OK I want to see that… What half has a blinking light…..What, would be the indication that is so?????????????? OH MY BAD!!!!!!

Suggestions from Technical Support:

The system passed IQ/OQ/PQ….it only began to falter after YOU TOUCHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has your company considered implementing an IQ/OQ/PQ procedure to determine if the CHEMIST is capable of operating the very expensive system that was just purchased.

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